So. How this referral thingy works...

Okay. As I posted previously: WE GOT A REFERRAL! I have known that I wanted to adopt for most of my adult life. I, personally, have waited sixteen years for this phone call and it did not go down the way I had planned. I always thought I would have the camcorder rolling with a pen and paper in hand and a list of questions ready just the way I had seen and read about since the 90's!


That's not how it went at all kids. I saw that number on my caller i.d. and it was GO time.
No plan. No premeditation. ALL redial!
Lightning speed.
If they were keeping time for redial records somewhere, I broke the record. Promise.


My poor husband, Pete had no idea what hit him. I never gave him the chance. I blurted it out so fast: "holycrapit'sthewaitingchilddepartmentdoyouthinkit'sareferralwejust... Hello this is Holly Emory, returning you call...."
<grabbing scrap paper and making up sign language for: GET ME A PEN NOW!>


I did already blog about the phone call. Right now I want to I need to write about what comes after that phone call.


While on the phone call I was given some basic info. Her name (I can't share that yet.) Her age. (She just turned three.) Her diagnosis. ( Brain Damage Syndrome. Non-existent. This is not a known diagnosis in the USA. FYI)


The agency sent her file over later that night. The file consisted of four pictures. (All over a year old.) Some medical reports. (With a good deal of confusing and contradictory information, also all 18 months old.) Two completely normal CT Scan reports. Her developmental milestones and her story. Her story is where she was placed, when she was found, her age, D.O.B., etc.


After reviewing the information for 24 hours we determined that we definitely had some questions. We wrote an email to our rep at the agency. The email was addressed on Monday. The questions and subsequent request for more info were forwarded to our agency's office in China. The offices in China were shut down for one week due to Chinese New Year so we knew that we would not get a response quickly. I now know that the office in China received the request and it has been forwarded to the Orphanage Director for consideration. I am told that just because you ask for the info it does not mean you will get it. We wait now, we hope and pray that we will get something that will give us clear direction.


This is gut wrenching, This is the kind of stuff that will bring you to your knees and really make you question who you are and what you are made of. I have wallpaper on my iPhone with a photo of a child that sits on the other side of the world. In an orphanage. Her greatest special need: a family. We have to decide if we can be that family. We have to try really hard here, to make the right decision. if they trust us with a child's file then we have to really dig deep and soul search. This is a little girl in a really hopeless place. Before we can say "We are sorry we cannot be her family" OR "YES. We are her family." we will have to completely exhaust ourselves trying to sort this situation out. She deserves that. If we are worthy of adopting ANY child then we owe every child that much, that 100% of our consideration.


Several people in the adoption community and even at our agency told us it is okay to say no. We do not have to accept the referral. Boy, that is just not how I am wired. However, my husband and I have to be in agreement and we have to agree on a plan that works for all of our children. Current and future.


My eighteen year old son, who is such a good human being, said to me "Really though? If a child needs a home, how could you say no?" This is so very challenging. Not at all what I expected. We are going to church and we are praying hard. We are begging for a sign, any sign. So many of the adoption blogs that I have lurked on for years mention this part very quickly. Families blog that "God let them know that this was not their baby" There is so much more information out there about paper chasing, gotcha days, travel tips, etc.


How did God let you know?


I am not questioning any one's faith. I am asking for a road map. Just in case I am not asking God the right questions or I am not looking in the right places.


There is language in this little girl's file that scares me. It takes me out of my comfort zone. However, now that I know her face I do not know how to say "I can't be your Mama." No matter what you believe, it is much easier to follow a direction with the faith that there is a bigger plan in place than the plans you have made or that there is a greater purpose that will guide your decisions. It is both comforting and empowering.


In church this morning (and all day every day for the last week) I prayed for a sign. A clear and obvious direction. I hope beyond all hope that we will get the update this week and our path will be clear.


That is where we are. Please leave me a comment. Any and all words of wisdom will be so greatly appreciated.

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