Telling my dad about the adoption

How do I tell him?

What will he say?

Will he be supportive?

Will he discourage me?

He would only be looking out for his son.

I feel I need to tell the story before I can tell you just how my Dad reacted to my telling him about my daughter that lives in China waiting for me to bring her home. This was a dream of mine forever, even before Holly and I met and although everyone in my family was supportive I was afraid that my Dad may not be. It all starts with his life.

My dad was one of several children that didn't grow up together. From what we understand he had two younger sisters, one younger brother and one older brother. I never met any of them; all of them at various times were put into orphanages or foster homes. My Dad did meet his youngest brother, but let me start from the beginning.

My father was in foster care since he was a baby. He lived with a woman that was being paid to raise him by his mother, Helen. This woman really liked my dad, but after a few years his mother Helen didn't want to pay for the care that my Dad was given. Why didn't his mother take care of him or any of his other siblings? She liked her freedom, she liked to drink and party. As I have been told, she lived a wild life. At the time he was two and a half years old and his mother made the decision that she would stop paying for care and place my Dad into an orphanage. He doesn't remember this. He does remember that over the next 13 years he was beaten, bounced from orphanage to foster home and back. Eventually, my Dad wanted to know why his mother would give him up. He never knew her because he was so young when she placed him in the system. After years of abuse he decided to escape; he was 15 years old. He ran away from St Mary's Orphanage in Valesburg, NJ and was on the run. He made it in the newspapers and after a short period of time was caught by the police while he was pan handling. It was not the only time he ran away. Previously he had run away from a foster home in Bayonne, NJ. He was beaten with a hanger in this home and obviously neglected. He doesn't remember eating a normal meal there; he only remembers that they fed him devil dogs. The foster mother never left the house and they told him that he was a paycheck. When he ran away he was looking for an escape as well trying to find his mother and some answers. Once again he was picked up and returned to the orphanage.

Since he had been trying to escape several times they contacted his mother Helen. She came to the orphanage; she walked in the place in all black with a veil over her face. She never greeted him with love, she just told him to stop making trouble. She took him out of the orphanage and made him come live with her. Although he wanted to go to school and learn, she wanted him to go to work and earn a buck for her. He was only 16 years old. After one month he just couldn't take all the parties that she hosted with all of the drinking. He left and found an apartment and job on his own. I cant imagine this! My kids are young men (or boys) Peter Jr is 20, Taylor is 18 and Michael is 14. None of these kids could survive nor would I want them to try. How did he do it?

My dad learned that he had a younger brother named Glen that was 6 years old at the time. Glen lived in a foster home in Newark near my Dad. He finally was able to meet Glen and promised him he would save all of his money from working at Bamburgers in Newark, NJ. He wanted to get his little brother out of this dirty apartment complex. It was his only sibling that he would ever meet. My Dad would frequently go to the apartment to see his brother. One night my Dad woke in the middle of the night in a deep sweat and just couldn't sleep, he had no idea why. Later that morning, while he was at work, his supervisor called him into the office to tell him that his brother had died in a fire the previous night. To this day my Dad has never gotten over the loss of his baby brother.

My Dad continued on his journey alone, finally meeting my Mom. While they were dating my Dad found out that his biological father lived near my Mom's house. He also found out that his father was a bartender nearby. Both of my parents went to the bar together so that he could finally get to meet his Dad. When they approached this man (my grandfather) my Dad told him that his mom was Helen and that he was his son. The man responded "please can we keep this between us?" He went on to tell my dad that his wife doesn't know and that he would prefer to keep it that way. How devastating is it that my Dad had a mother that never cared and a father that would prefer to keep him a secret? Eventually, his wife would find out and while I was a baby at some point he did meet me but shortly after I was born he passed away and never left a thing for my dad.

The woman that took care of my dad until he was two and a half was occasionally involved in his life. When he was a young man she had promised my Dad that she would be alive to see my dad get married. She made it and she was so proud. She loved my dad like he was her child. The night of the wedding she had a great time laughed and danced. She went home that night, went to bed and died in her sleep. She kept her word.

Throughout the years my dad never complained about his life. He never allowed my sisters or myself to speak a bad word about his mother. He continued to care for her until she passed away in the mid 90's. He is an amazing man. He never had the privilege to have an education, to have a parent (not to mention two) that loved him or cared for him, never shared a dinner with his parents, sat on Santa's lap as a child, never met his other siblings, never threw a ball with his dad, learned to use a hammer, have friends in school never was able to live the life of a boy. He became a man overnight.

We take so much for granted. 

When I told my dad about our adoption his response was: "That's great!"

My dad never had the privilege of an education like most of us and yet he is brighter and quicker than many. He is super excited and thinks it's perfect that I am doing this. After I told him, he watched me play with my Godson Thomas and kept saying "this is great" again. He had so many questions! He may have had even more questions than I originally had. He has been so engaged with the process and has new questions for me all the time. It was such a special moment that really is hard for me to put into words. I can't wait for us to have our daughter home and for my father to see her and to connect with her. 

I have been  thinking about my dads life, where it has taken him and where he came from. He knows that my mother saved his life and kept it all together for him. Before her, he never had anything stable throughout his life.

I have been wondering what my daughter might be thinking and maybe there was a connection to what my dad had thought all those years. I asked my dad what he wished for when he was in the orphanage. Did he wish he could be with a family? have his own room and toys like most kids? go to school and make friends or play a sport? He said he never thought about it because he never knew what any of that was. It all just passed him by. He missed so many of the wonderful things that all children should experience with their parents.

In looking at this situation I am even more eager to get her home. How devastating that a child doesn't know what it is to be loved by a parent? It is so upsetting that a child can be used for financial gain or worse. When my Dad was in the orphanage all of those years he wondered why he was there but had no idea about anything outside the orphanage. He had lived 16 years of his life not having a family and when he was out he didn't have one until he met my Mom. She saved him. She was the first person that would be family for him. Now I have a daughter that's waiting for her family and there are so many more children that do not have a family. It breaks my heart. This process cant happen soon enough.