Finding Ads...

When a child is found in China the authorities in many provinces place "finding ads" in local newspapers reportedly, in an effort to find the child's family. The ads include a photo of the child from the time they were found as well as details about the child, the finding spot, etc.

Many adoptive parents search out the finding ads for these precious early tidbits of our children's lives. The first photograph. The specific details of the day. The earliest recorded bits of our babies history that we can grab onto.

I did a little research last night and I found out how to search for finding ads. 

Whoa. 

This is staggering stuff. Truly a kick in the gut. It sucked the air right out of me. Pages and pages of children. All ages. Both genders. The number of children listed as "found" in any given province on a day to day basis will bring you to your knees. I will be completely honest, the babies didn't hit me that hard. I expected them. I had a dialogue in my head for the babies that I accepted. Not in the way that we accept things affirmatively. Like that's cool, that's a thing that happens. No. More like, after years of research and exposure I understood the dynamics of this sociological environment and how these choices were made when a child was born. 

It's the older children that had my heart in my throat and made me weep. The look in their eyes. Blank. Pained. Bewildered. Scared. Just shell shocked. These children that know their parents, know their families but are now, somehow, alone in the world. Pre-schoolers through adolescents. What must they be thinking? As painful as it was for me to see, I can't imagine their pain. I can't fathom it. 

I had to stop looking. I didn't find my girl. I got close to her finding date but I was so emotionally drained that I had to step back. I will take a break from it. I felt the need to pray. To seek answers. I wil go back to it another day. 

I am actually finding great comfort in the adoption community right now...the Facebook posters that are excited about the new list, hopeful that their child is there, just waiting to be found. The ap bloggers in China with their gorgeous children, forever in families now. BTDT parents that are the cornerstone of the adoption community, willing to share their trials and tribulations, offering advice and encouragement. Everyone who advocates! THANK YOU! God bless you. Don't stop. You are awesome. I am humbled by what you do. 

Roller Coaster...

I know my last blog post was silly and superficial.

Excitement over dresses, the fun stuff...

I think I am officially on the Emotional Roller Coaster of Adoption now though.

I worked the night shift last night

and the solitude afforded me the space to drift into deeper territory.

We. Have. A. Daughter.

I. Have. A. Daughter.

I do not yet know the sound of her voice calling to me.

I have not yet had the pleasure of her little hands around my neck.

I have not yet had the privilege to comfort her,

to pick her up and feel her melt against me while I rub her back

and reassure her that

"I am here. I am not leaving. Ever."

I do not yet know the weight of her in my arms,

the smell of her sweet baby neck at bedtime,

the silky feel of her hair in my hands,

the joy of her giggle dissolving into laughter

or the salt of her tears as I kiss them away.

I know her face.

I know her name.

I know that she was placed very publically

on the platform of a train station when she was about four months old.

She was sick and she was small and she was cared for.

I know that I am eternally grateful, that she was so lovingly placed

in a place so public that she was guaranteed to be found.

I also know that she does not even know that I exist.

My baby girl is not missing me or waiting for me

or daydreaming about when her Mama and Baba will arrive.

She does not even know what that really means.

We, as parents, are not tangible concepts to her.

In fact, she does not know "family" in the traditional sense.

My heart is breaking right now as I think about

the emotional impact it will have on her

to leave the only place she knows

to come with us.

To come home to the place we are preparing for her

where she will be loved, nurtured, cherished

and she will be beloved.

I only hope we can make her feel that way.

I pray she will truly know what it feels like to be loved.

I pray that we make her feel safe.



Waiting...

Soooo...we are waiting for PA. 

(That's Pre-Approval)

We sent our LOI (Letter of Intent) on 2/13/14. This is a letter sent to China via our agency that states that we accept our referral and intend to take the steps necessary to adopt her. 

We had to state what we knew of her medical needs, what our treatment plan would be once we brought her home, how we plan to care for her and how our children and extended family feel about the adoption. 

Writing it all down makes it very real. I have butterflies in my tummy as I write about it! I am just so excited. We both are. 

I really want PA so I can share her sweet little face with everyone. We just love her so much already. 

This is the little pile of goods we had amassed over the past week or two. Not anything big. We have to direct the majority of our funds to the adoption account right now. I came across a book sale or two and I couldn't walk away from that! We happened to see a few packs of clippies on clearance that we had to grab and then there is the shirt. A Scarlet Threads purchase. I love that quote from Shakespeare. Knowing where my girl comes from and what she has been through I know this quote applies. I know she is a fighter with true strength of spirit. She IS fierce. 

Over the last few days I have struggled with legit Retail Therapy urges that were difficult to resist! My cousin Melissa has been sharing her vast knowledge of must-haves in toddler fashion and I felt like my finger was much too far away from the pulse! I had to catch up!!! I was scouring all of these internet boutique sites and looking at all these toddler couture outfits. (I know it sounds silly but that's a thing! Toddler couture is for realz!!!)

Anywhoooo...frugality or reality or something kicked in before I finalized my purchase and I decided to jump over to eBay. I spotted a dress that I adored and when I looked at the seller's other items I realized that I liked all of her dresses! 

I messaged the seller and offered her a flat price with combined shipping and she accepted!!! I told her we were adopting and she messaged me back with my tracking # and told me that she added eleven more dresses to the box and a fleece, shirt and jacket from LL Bean!

What a lovely gesture! I am so touched. I am also so excited to get my box next week and see all of the pretty little dresses! 

As a wise woman recently told me: 

"Time to accessorize!!!"

This kind of fun definitely helps the wait for PA pass more quickly! 

Mini Update and FAQ's...

So, we did get an update from China on the little girl that was referred to us. We were very pleased with the information that they gave us. We asked them for updated photos, a video if possible and we also had a list of questions about her special need, her development, etc. We had a very emotional "ah-ha" moment and we hope to have some super exciting official news to share with everyone in the very near future! 

 So in the meantime I thought we would address some of the frequently asked questions we have gotten when sharing this news with friends and family:

When?

ASAP! Traditionally, the process takes 1-2 years.

We didn't go the traditional route.

We filled out a brief Family introduction sheet, a Medical Conditions Checklist indicating what kind of health conditions and a special needs we were open to and they had a file for us in 8 days.

Not a typo.

That's EIGHT DAYS!!!!

Soooo....if all goes well ;) we will have six months to complete our homestudy and assemble our dossier. After the dossier is sent to China it will be a few months for things to get logged in, approved and situated to start scheduling travel. We can be super fast and organized and maybe, hopefully bring her home by Christmas.

Say your prayers!

Why Special Needs? Why wouldn't you go for a healthy baby?

This is a no brainer.

Why get on a list for a child that is deemed healthy and wait years and years for a referral to bring our baby home when so many children are languishing in orphanages with very manageable health issues and their greatest special need is a family.

A child that needs a family.

A family that wants a child.

See? No brainer.

Plus, all of our boys would be special needs if they were to be categorized for adoption.

All three, and we happen to think they are awesome just the way they are!

 CHINA? Why not adopt from the USA?

This is a big one. We get this a lot.

The very smarty pants answer that I use when I don't feel like dealing with intrusive questions is:

 My daughter is in China so I have to go there. Sorry (shrugs). That's where she is. No choice.

In all reality this was not a big decision between us.

When we met, we both had adoption from China in our hearts. We discussed it the first week that we knew each other. It was, like, our second date. We didn't really discuss other countries much.

We already knew where we would find our little love.

Now, I just checked with my friend that rhymes with oogle and I got this:

It is estimated there are between 143 million and 210 million orphans worldwide

(recent UNICEF report.)

In my opinion, it doesn't matter what country they were born in.

There are too many children that need a family.

If you can subtract just one from the numbers above....do it.

Now.

Any country. Just do it.

If you need information about how to start the process (here in the USA or elsewhere) just let me know, I have TONS of info!

 Isn't it really expensive?

Yes and no.

The fees are pretty well regulated and you know what you are getting into up front.

We have the adoption tax credit that is now a permanent deduction which will help offset some of the fees after we bring our sweetie home.

There are grants we can apply for and no/low interest adoption loans should we need to go that route.

It is, however, a sort of pay as you go process. Which makes it somewhat more manageable.

There is a little fee here another not so little fee there. lol

Then, of course there are the travel expenses.

We will do lots of fundraising to try to avoid getting into massive debt in the process.

We have lots of creative financing ideas!

 Will you tell her she is adopted?

Blank stare.

Don't you think it's unethical that they are charging you for her?

Huge misconception.

There are fees to be paid for:

• A social worker's time to evaluate us, educate us and complete a homestudy
• Our agency to keep us organized, translate our documents, submit our documents and act on our behalf to facilitate the adoption
• Documentation, immigration, fingerprinting and background checks, visas, passports,travel, airfare, food, hotel, etc.
• AND yes a very nominal child rearing fee is paid to the orphanage that has raised our daughter up until this point and trust me, you could not raise a child in the USA for a few years for this sum. It is one of the smaller fees in the whole process.  





There are more questions but these are the most common.

The links at the side of this blog will take you to some great websites that you can get a lot more info from if you are interested.

We are actively raising funds for this now as it seems it will go a lot quicker than we originally planned.

• We are selling really delicious coffee from just love coffee roasters (link at the top right of the blog).
• We have an amazon banner at the bottom of this page that gives us a small kickback if you use that banner as a portal to do your amazon.com shopping. No extra cost to you.
• We have a fundly account set up.
• We are selling every single thing we can bear to part with on ebay.
• We are having a massive garage sale in April.
• We will be selling gorgeous handmade aprons from Scarlet Threads and handmade jewelry from Compelled Designs and...whooo! That's a lot for now!

Check back often for updates!
(and leave comments/questions we love them!)



So. How this referral thingy works...

Okay. As I posted previously: WE GOT A REFERRAL! I have known that I wanted to adopt for most of my adult life. I, personally, have waited sixteen years for this phone call and it did not go down the way I had planned. I always thought I would have the camcorder rolling with a pen and paper in hand and a list of questions ready just the way I had seen and read about since the 90's!


That's not how it went at all kids. I saw that number on my caller i.d. and it was GO time.
No plan. No premeditation. ALL redial!
Lightning speed.
If they were keeping time for redial records somewhere, I broke the record. Promise.


My poor husband, Pete had no idea what hit him. I never gave him the chance. I blurted it out so fast: "holycrapit'sthewaitingchilddepartmentdoyouthinkit'sareferralwejust... Hello this is Holly Emory, returning you call...."
<grabbing scrap paper and making up sign language for: GET ME A PEN NOW!>


I did already blog about the phone call. Right now I want to I need to write about what comes after that phone call.


While on the phone call I was given some basic info. Her name (I can't share that yet.) Her age. (She just turned three.) Her diagnosis. ( Brain Damage Syndrome. Non-existent. This is not a known diagnosis in the USA. FYI)


The agency sent her file over later that night. The file consisted of four pictures. (All over a year old.) Some medical reports. (With a good deal of confusing and contradictory information, also all 18 months old.) Two completely normal CT Scan reports. Her developmental milestones and her story. Her story is where she was placed, when she was found, her age, D.O.B., etc.


After reviewing the information for 24 hours we determined that we definitely had some questions. We wrote an email to our rep at the agency. The email was addressed on Monday. The questions and subsequent request for more info were forwarded to our agency's office in China. The offices in China were shut down for one week due to Chinese New Year so we knew that we would not get a response quickly. I now know that the office in China received the request and it has been forwarded to the Orphanage Director for consideration. I am told that just because you ask for the info it does not mean you will get it. We wait now, we hope and pray that we will get something that will give us clear direction.


This is gut wrenching, This is the kind of stuff that will bring you to your knees and really make you question who you are and what you are made of. I have wallpaper on my iPhone with a photo of a child that sits on the other side of the world. In an orphanage. Her greatest special need: a family. We have to decide if we can be that family. We have to try really hard here, to make the right decision. if they trust us with a child's file then we have to really dig deep and soul search. This is a little girl in a really hopeless place. Before we can say "We are sorry we cannot be her family" OR "YES. We are her family." we will have to completely exhaust ourselves trying to sort this situation out. She deserves that. If we are worthy of adopting ANY child then we owe every child that much, that 100% of our consideration.


Several people in the adoption community and even at our agency told us it is okay to say no. We do not have to accept the referral. Boy, that is just not how I am wired. However, my husband and I have to be in agreement and we have to agree on a plan that works for all of our children. Current and future.


My eighteen year old son, who is such a good human being, said to me "Really though? If a child needs a home, how could you say no?" This is so very challenging. Not at all what I expected. We are going to church and we are praying hard. We are begging for a sign, any sign. So many of the adoption blogs that I have lurked on for years mention this part very quickly. Families blog that "God let them know that this was not their baby" There is so much more information out there about paper chasing, gotcha days, travel tips, etc.


How did God let you know?


I am not questioning any one's faith. I am asking for a road map. Just in case I am not asking God the right questions or I am not looking in the right places.


There is language in this little girl's file that scares me. It takes me out of my comfort zone. However, now that I know her face I do not know how to say "I can't be your Mama." No matter what you believe, it is much easier to follow a direction with the faith that there is a bigger plan in place than the plans you have made or that there is a greater purpose that will guide your decisions. It is both comforting and empowering.


In church this morning (and all day every day for the last week) I prayed for a sign. A clear and obvious direction. I hope beyond all hope that we will get the update this week and our path will be clear.


That is where we are. Please leave me a comment. Any and all words of wisdom will be so greatly appreciated.

<3 p="">

A file....

Last night we were running out the door. We had plans to go to dinner and maybe walk around the mall together. Pete said he had a surprise for me. I love surprises.

We wanted to go out early because it's Super Bowl weekend and the big party is here in town. It's also Chinese New Year and restaurants fill up. We wanted to beat the rush and have a fun relaxing evening. 

I had my jacket on and we were heading for the door when I looked at my iphone. Missed call. Colorado area code. The Agency. I asked Pete to give me a minute and I listened to the message. 

Hi. It's Sarah...helping out the Waiting Child Department...call me back when you can...

Heart pounding. Frozen in time. Call her back!

Hi Holly! I am helping out the Waiting Child ...a file for you guys to review...if you are interested...email in a little while. 

Say what!?!? We filed our MCC 8 days ago or something. Can this be real?

Pete is still mourning the file we didn't get. He wants me to check out the medical. He is afraid to get attached if it won't work out. I understand. I promise not to check my phone a hundred times as we walk out the door. I promise we will focus 100% on our much needed night out and I will wait until we get home to open the email on the computer. I lied. I checked. Like crazy. 

We had a great time. We didn't discuss the file. She deserved 100% of our undivided attention. 

That's what she is getting today. 

Whew. This is not an easy process. If you pray...pray for us and for her.

If you send positive energy and good vibes...do that. 

If you limit yourself to e-hugs with little parentheses: ((hugs)). Visit the comment section. We need it. This is tough. 

Updates soon. 

<3