Beautiful Chaos...

Everything is topsy turvy and upside down in our home right now.
We are wrapping up our dossier.
We had our last face to face meeting with our social worker on Friday.
She came to our house and she met the kids.
Our house was a mess! Total disaster.
She told us not to clean.
She said people with magazine perfect homes
and decorated nurseries at homestudy make her nervous. 

Ummm. Okay. 

Awesome.
She should have been wicked comfortable at our house then! 

Two days prior to her visit we started turning the house upside down.
We have a four bedroom split level.
Lots of stairs.
We moved Taylor out of his room on the lower level
and we moved Peter down to Taylor's old room.
Taylor and Michael will now share a room upstairs and 
the Princess will have Michael's old room.
We moved everything out of the other three bedrooms and
piled it all into the dining room, kitchen and second bathroom.
We ripped up tons of wall to wall carpeting, tackless strips and staples. 

We piled everything we no longer want on the side of the house.

 Ready for a dump run!

Then, this morning we piled Michael and all of the dogs into the car
and shipped them off to Grandma and Grandpa's house.
(Which is where we will be camping for a few days!)

The floor guys showed up to do hardwood floors throughout the house today.
Therefore, we are displaced. 

Now...before I go any further I need to clarify a few things.
When I say WE did all of this and that, I mean Pete. LOL.
My hardworking, stubborn, tireless, amazing miracle maker of a husband orchestrated all of it.
The boys helped with the heavy lifting.
I did what I could and worked around my work schedule.
Michael went above and beyond to be Pete's right hand man.
Michael rocked it!
Did I mention that Pete ran out and bought all of the furniture that we need in the middle of this??? AND
Our dryer broke and he handled that too!!!
He got it fixed (for now) and then went and negotiated a ridiculous deal on a new dryer!

I worked a twelve hour shift yesterday; he dropped dinner off for me and he looked so tired. 

So can I just tell you that I was moved to TEARS
when I got home and found that he also found time
to surprise me with this:

Step one in building a palace fit for our princess. I love this so much. 

I am so, so blessed. I know this. I have such a great guy. I love him so. 

We are getting super excited now.
Making physical space for this beautiful, amazing little girl
to come in to our home,
in to our lives
and to be our family
is so tangible and so real.
I have butterflies in my stomach. 

Stay tuned for nursery updates
 and in case you missed it,
I recently snuck in a post that we were playing the name game.
We may have a big announcement in the near future!
;)

Paper Pregnant

I am a mess this week. I am crying over everything! All those soldier surprises at graduation, the posts from China with all of the new babies, commercials, even randomly...just outbursts of emotion.

LOL. I feel so stupid afterward. 

Like: what's wrong with me!?!?! 

I am seriously missing our little girl and wanting her home sooner rather than later HOWEVER I know that a big part of my problem is because my son is graduating from High School this week and I am spending a lot of time reflecting on his life and what a gift it has been to parent him and watch him become the young man that he is. I think back to little things that he used to do and my heart aches for that sweet, silly, messy, creative kid. I miss that little boy. I do. I am super excited to see him spread his wings and become the young man he is supposed to be but I sure would love a hug from that seven year old with the big front teeth and the kool-aid moustache. 

<sigh>

Putting the Pieces Together...

Sifting through the information in a Special Needs file can be a daunting task. It is not easy to put aside emotion and dig in to the data before you and analyze. Many people utilize physicians and other health care specialists and get conflicting opinions or discouraging information that really makes it difficult to hold onto the excitement and move forward with confidence. First time parents really struggle with what they should be worried about particularly if they lack exposure to children with medical issues. The terminology is frightening. Growth curves, percentiles, milestones...it's a lot. Especially when you are looking at the beautiful face of a child and wondering "Am I your mommy?, Can I give you what you need?"

That being said, there are many tools available to adoptive parents to help them dig through the information at hand when they get the much anticipated file. I am talking about the info one has to know. The stuff that will become rote when the precious pumpkin is home and going to regular  doctor appointments, etc. I am in no way recommending that this info replaces your physician recommendations or usurps it in any way. I am saying there are tools available to really help you get to know your potential child's level of development and ability.

When a young child visits the pediatrician routine measurements are taken for height, weight and head circumference. These measurements are plotted on a graph and physician's watch for consistency and balance in the growth curve to be assured that the child is developing properly. Chinese children are relatively smaller than the average American child so when their measurements are plotted on the CDC graphs the results are often alarming.

The Magic Foundation offers many types of growth charts for different ethnicities and medical circumstances that you can use for reference. Additionally, a quick growth calculator using who (World Health Organization) data allows you to plug in numbers and it gives you a percentile based on global standards.

The next thing to comb through are development and any abilities that may be listed for the child. The CDC offers a chart and a printable checklist for developmental milestones that a child should reach by each age/stage of development. When working with this checklist keep in mind that it is expected for an institutionalized child to lose one month of development for every three months institutionalized. Therefore, when my referral for a 36 month old child came through I would be reviewing milestones up to 24 months old on the chart. If she exceeded that target it was a bonus. I did the same for older SOG (state of growth) reports in her file. If she had an exam at 18 months of age, I compare her abilities to the 12 month milestone targets and so on.

Important notes:
Information can be contradictory. You might get an update stating that a child is in therapy for poor gross motor skills with a video of the child walking and throwing a ball (with mastery.)
My referral had a statement that read "this child is unable to speak" but the boxes for "puts 3-5 words together" were checked off.
When the boxes aren't checked it does not mean they cannot do it. It probably means it was not observed. We had many unchecked boxes for things that we saw her doing in pictures and video.
Please also check the age when the exam took place. Do not be alarmed if you read that the child is unable to walk and simple math shows they are only seven months old at the time.
Some common sense needs to be applied.

This is especially important when looking at files for children with the very vague neuro diagnoses. For example Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy (impossible to verify with an unwitnessed birth), Brain Damage Syndrome, Low IQ (no valid test methods exist for young children), Low Intelligence, Poor Brain Development, etc. These sweet babies require extra time and attention when their files are under consideration. The labels applied to them sound very intimidating and it is often difficult to find the supporting evidence for these diagnoses. You have to look past the labels and search for their abilities. Many of these babies have institutional delays that are normal under the circumstances in which they have been living. These are the miracle babies that come home and flourish with good nutrition and the love of a family.

My Most Frequently Asked Question...

How did you get a referral so quickly?

There is an undeniable current in the China adoption community that flows with the pursuit of mild to moderate special need girls that are as young as possible. I understand the flow. I do.

My husband and I have three teen boys. Two are the product of his first marriage. One is the product of my first marriage. We have not had a child together. We want to raise a child together and we want a little girl in the house. I have a step-daughter from my first marriage. She was eight years old when I became her step parent. She is now a beautiful, successful, articulate young woman that is planning her wedding and building her future family plans. Pete has never raised a little girl. He wants a daughter. I would have checked either gender on our application. I love parenting boys. I do, however, understand where he is coming from so we checked girl and girl only.

There is much conversation on the support groups about the slow down of referrals for these mild to moderate young girls. People compare agencies and report to each other who has more files with younger girls, etc. There seems to be a mass exodus to get in line for cleft lip/palate girls. (from my observation) Many people lament that they are waiting so long for a referral and indicate that they are open to many medical conditions on their checklist and they cannot understand why they wait. I am going to say something here that may make me very unpopular but if you are open to five or ten conditions on your checklist and you think that is a lot because you really wanted to be in the NSN program but that wait is just impossible so those conditions are a stretch anyway...you are going to wait. You are not going to wait as long as the children are waiting though. The children that are aging out. The little boys. The child with repaired Spina Bifida that is totally healthy with normal intelligence and nothing but potential. The child that is developmentally delayed due to institutionalization, that would flourish in a family. The child with Cerebral Palsy that would fly down the hall with a walker and some AFO's. They will wait much longer. Many of them continue to age out. Every week we see it. Advocates post with sadness that children have reached their fourteenth birthday and are no longer eligible for adoption.

I am not trying to be preachy or sanctimonius AT ALL. What this post truly stems from is many, many private conversations that I have had with the people in our fb support groups over the past few months. When I post that I had a referral in eight days and another adoptive parent I know had her referral in two weeks, people reach out with private messages and want to know how it was done. There is no real magic formula. I keep saying the same things over and over again. We were open to a lot. We were terrified (we still are), we did a ton of research, we had our hearts broken with each and every check mark. It was grueling. We sat with our computer, our iPad and two smart phones as we researched every single condition. We utilized blogs, No Hands But Ours, and support groups to see what life looked like when you had a family member with each condition, we looked up treatment, prognosis and management for each condition and verified that we had access to those services and we made choice after difficult choice. We prayed and prayed some more. After submitting our Medical Conditions Checklist we received an email back from the agency that said: So, I think it is a very  realistic checklist and would expect you will see a child over the next few weeks to months.  I reassured my husband that EVERYONE online is saying it will be  much longer and not to worry, we had plenty of time. Eight. Days.

What we said YES to:

Cataracts, Deafness, Ear Malformation-Microtia/Atresia, Glaucoma, Nystagmus, Hearing Loss Partial, Vision Loss Partial, Ptosis, Strabismus, Dextrocardia, Diabetes, Heart Condition Minor & Major, Thalessemia, Club Foot/Feet, Brachial Plexus Injury, Cerebral Palsy, Hernia, Hip Dysplasia, Hepatitis B&C, Abnormal Brain CT, Arachnoid Cyst, Brain Damage, Hydrocephalus, Sacral Tumor, Spina Bifida (Meningocele/Myelomeningocele), Tethered Spinal Cord, Anal Atresia, Failure to Thrive, Feeding/Swallowing Issues, Hiatal Hernia, Megacolon/Hirschsprung's Disease, Pyloric Stenosis, Hydrocele, Hydronephrosis, Kidney Condition, Eczema, Hemangioma, Lymphangioma, Delayed Development, Poor Brain Development, Premature and YES to Known Multiple Conditions.

 

 

We said YES to her.



 

 

The children are there.

They are waiting.

Find your child.

Do some research, serious research about each of the conditions on the list that scares you. Know your hard line limitations.

I am not saying anyone should bite off more than they know they can chew

BUT you might be able to stretch further than you realize.