Putting the Pieces Together...

Sifting through the information in a Special Needs file can be a daunting task. It is not easy to put aside emotion and dig in to the data before you and analyze. Many people utilize physicians and other health care specialists and get conflicting opinions or discouraging information that really makes it difficult to hold onto the excitement and move forward with confidence. First time parents really struggle with what they should be worried about particularly if they lack exposure to children with medical issues. The terminology is frightening. Growth curves, percentiles, milestones...it's a lot. Especially when you are looking at the beautiful face of a child and wondering "Am I your mommy?, Can I give you what you need?"

That being said, there are many tools available to adoptive parents to help them dig through the information at hand when they get the much anticipated file. I am talking about the info one has to know. The stuff that will become rote when the precious pumpkin is home and going to regular  doctor appointments, etc. I am in no way recommending that this info replaces your physician recommendations or usurps it in any way. I am saying there are tools available to really help you get to know your potential child's level of development and ability.

When a young child visits the pediatrician routine measurements are taken for height, weight and head circumference. These measurements are plotted on a graph and physician's watch for consistency and balance in the growth curve to be assured that the child is developing properly. Chinese children are relatively smaller than the average American child so when their measurements are plotted on the CDC graphs the results are often alarming.

The Magic Foundation offers many types of growth charts for different ethnicities and medical circumstances that you can use for reference. Additionally, a quick growth calculator using who (World Health Organization) data allows you to plug in numbers and it gives you a percentile based on global standards.

The next thing to comb through are development and any abilities that may be listed for the child. The CDC offers a chart and a printable checklist for developmental milestones that a child should reach by each age/stage of development. When working with this checklist keep in mind that it is expected for an institutionalized child to lose one month of development for every three months institutionalized. Therefore, when my referral for a 36 month old child came through I would be reviewing milestones up to 24 months old on the chart. If she exceeded that target it was a bonus. I did the same for older SOG (state of growth) reports in her file. If she had an exam at 18 months of age, I compare her abilities to the 12 month milestone targets and so on.

Important notes:
Information can be contradictory. You might get an update stating that a child is in therapy for poor gross motor skills with a video of the child walking and throwing a ball (with mastery.)
My referral had a statement that read "this child is unable to speak" but the boxes for "puts 3-5 words together" were checked off.
When the boxes aren't checked it does not mean they cannot do it. It probably means it was not observed. We had many unchecked boxes for things that we saw her doing in pictures and video.
Please also check the age when the exam took place. Do not be alarmed if you read that the child is unable to walk and simple math shows they are only seven months old at the time.
Some common sense needs to be applied.

This is especially important when looking at files for children with the very vague neuro diagnoses. For example Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy (impossible to verify with an unwitnessed birth), Brain Damage Syndrome, Low IQ (no valid test methods exist for young children), Low Intelligence, Poor Brain Development, etc. These sweet babies require extra time and attention when their files are under consideration. The labels applied to them sound very intimidating and it is often difficult to find the supporting evidence for these diagnoses. You have to look past the labels and search for their abilities. Many of these babies have institutional delays that are normal under the circumstances in which they have been living. These are the miracle babies that come home and flourish with good nutrition and the love of a family.

My Most Frequently Asked Question...

How did you get a referral so quickly?

There is an undeniable current in the China adoption community that flows with the pursuit of mild to moderate special need girls that are as young as possible. I understand the flow. I do.

My husband and I have three teen boys. Two are the product of his first marriage. One is the product of my first marriage. We have not had a child together. We want to raise a child together and we want a little girl in the house. I have a step-daughter from my first marriage. She was eight years old when I became her step parent. She is now a beautiful, successful, articulate young woman that is planning her wedding and building her future family plans. Pete has never raised a little girl. He wants a daughter. I would have checked either gender on our application. I love parenting boys. I do, however, understand where he is coming from so we checked girl and girl only.

There is much conversation on the support groups about the slow down of referrals for these mild to moderate young girls. People compare agencies and report to each other who has more files with younger girls, etc. There seems to be a mass exodus to get in line for cleft lip/palate girls. (from my observation) Many people lament that they are waiting so long for a referral and indicate that they are open to many medical conditions on their checklist and they cannot understand why they wait. I am going to say something here that may make me very unpopular but if you are open to five or ten conditions on your checklist and you think that is a lot because you really wanted to be in the NSN program but that wait is just impossible so those conditions are a stretch anyway...you are going to wait. You are not going to wait as long as the children are waiting though. The children that are aging out. The little boys. The child with repaired Spina Bifida that is totally healthy with normal intelligence and nothing but potential. The child that is developmentally delayed due to institutionalization, that would flourish in a family. The child with Cerebral Palsy that would fly down the hall with a walker and some AFO's. They will wait much longer. Many of them continue to age out. Every week we see it. Advocates post with sadness that children have reached their fourteenth birthday and are no longer eligible for adoption.

I am not trying to be preachy or sanctimonius AT ALL. What this post truly stems from is many, many private conversations that I have had with the people in our fb support groups over the past few months. When I post that I had a referral in eight days and another adoptive parent I know had her referral in two weeks, people reach out with private messages and want to know how it was done. There is no real magic formula. I keep saying the same things over and over again. We were open to a lot. We were terrified (we still are), we did a ton of research, we had our hearts broken with each and every check mark. It was grueling. We sat with our computer, our iPad and two smart phones as we researched every single condition. We utilized blogs, No Hands But Ours, and support groups to see what life looked like when you had a family member with each condition, we looked up treatment, prognosis and management for each condition and verified that we had access to those services and we made choice after difficult choice. We prayed and prayed some more. After submitting our Medical Conditions Checklist we received an email back from the agency that said: So, I think it is a very  realistic checklist and would expect you will see a child over the next few weeks to months.  I reassured my husband that EVERYONE online is saying it will be  much longer and not to worry, we had plenty of time. Eight. Days.

What we said YES to:

Cataracts, Deafness, Ear Malformation-Microtia/Atresia, Glaucoma, Nystagmus, Hearing Loss Partial, Vision Loss Partial, Ptosis, Strabismus, Dextrocardia, Diabetes, Heart Condition Minor & Major, Thalessemia, Club Foot/Feet, Brachial Plexus Injury, Cerebral Palsy, Hernia, Hip Dysplasia, Hepatitis B&C, Abnormal Brain CT, Arachnoid Cyst, Brain Damage, Hydrocephalus, Sacral Tumor, Spina Bifida (Meningocele/Myelomeningocele), Tethered Spinal Cord, Anal Atresia, Failure to Thrive, Feeding/Swallowing Issues, Hiatal Hernia, Megacolon/Hirschsprung's Disease, Pyloric Stenosis, Hydrocele, Hydronephrosis, Kidney Condition, Eczema, Hemangioma, Lymphangioma, Delayed Development, Poor Brain Development, Premature and YES to Known Multiple Conditions.

 

 

We said YES to her.



 

 

The children are there.

They are waiting.

Find your child.

Do some research, serious research about each of the conditions on the list that scares you. Know your hard line limitations.

I am not saying anyone should bite off more than they know they can chew

BUT you might be able to stretch further than you realize.

 

Little things...

Little update here.

I am working on a bigger post but for now...

First...I just got my half of the mother/daughter jade bracelets that we bought. I am told that YiMan received hers two weeks ago. I do hope they let her wear it. I will wear mine until we meet. The bracelets have light jade beads strung on a red thread. For those of you that don't know the significance of the red thread:
there is an Asian belief that there is an invisible red thread that connects you to those you are destined to have in your life, the thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break.
The red thread legend is very popular in the adoption community (obvious reasons).
Many thanks, again, to Ann at readthreadchina.com

We met our social worker for our first face to face yesterday. LOVED HER.
We both found her super easy to talk to and it wasn't at all as scary as we thought it would be.
We look forward to the rest of the homestudy now.
Pete said I talked waaaaaay too much. Funny, I thought he did.
Lol...anyway, I had so much more to say! HA!

We are really, really excited right now because Disney.
We are thinking about adding a Hong Kong Disneyland Day at the end of our China trip. It is insanely affordable. The HK Disney hotels are cheaper than many other hotels in HK. Park tickets and character meals are a fraction of the US cost. We are not sure where YiMan will be with her comfort level, attachment and handling big outings so we are thinking about booking the HK Disney Hotel for our two days in HK and probably booking a character meal (they have a Chef Mickey's)...if YiMan is doing well we will venture in to the park. If not...quiet day at the hotel.
(BTDT parents: your advice is welcome.)
Also, there is some talk about a Disney cruise with the families from our adoption agency. It will probably be sometime in 2015.
We are really excited about that prospect!

So busy today...this blog post is a little digression to help me get all of my happy thoughts out so I can settle down and focus!

Happy Thoughts:

Who is baba?

…or daddy?

When we first received her file both Holly and I discussed it over time while waiting for updated information but we already knew that she was the one. I have looked at her picture on my phone, on my desktop at work and at home on the iPad as well as on the refrigerator many, many times. I have watched her video again and again every day since we have received her file. I can remember every step she makes as well as all of her expressions. Holly picked up a sigh that she makes when she starts to walk and we both know this video inside and out. I had major concerns with the lack of smiling that I have seen but I have learned so much from our Facebook friends in the adoption community. So many people have generously chimed in with their own experiences. In the weeks that have passed I feel like I can imagine what she is thinking in her pictures. I feel like I have known her, then I realize she doesn't have a clue about who I am. She doesn’t really have the concept of parents or family, she hasn’t experienced it. We look at her photos and imagine what she is doing at the moment they were taken, where she is headed, what she is thinking... LOL We imagine that a little twinkle in her eye as she glances to the left might indicate that she is about to dart off after a friend that was in the previous picture but has left the camera’s view. She gazes so intensely at the camera that it feels like she is looking right at us. We feel like we know so much about her already from simply reading documents, looking at pictures and a quick video. It’s funny, although I feel like I know her and that she knows me nothing could be further from the truth. All of our assumptions about her personality might be completely wrong and of course she does not really know me.

Though, she may know my face…

Holly and I put our care package together and sent our photo's in a little book a few weeks ago. I so wonder what she thinks when she looks at the bald funny looking man smiling at her in those pictures. Does she smile like I do when I look at her photo?  Does she have any idea how much her life is going to change? I wish she knew how badly I want her home. I am so ready to have her here getting the love and attention that she needs and deserves.  

I want her life with us to begin RIGHT NOW. I worry about the day she will meet us. I wonder if she will want to be in my arms as much as I want to hold her. Will she be scared of me? I have learned that some children will go to one parent and not the other.  If she prefers one parent over the other I want it to be Holly that first day because I don't want her to feel left out. 

After all Holly can have that one day no problem and then I will get a lifetime with Daddy's little girl!

Great Little Guy...

Well. We have not posted in a while. We have a lot going on and we both feel kind of overwhelmed and underwater. Pete has been crazy busy with a lot of pressure from changes at work and of course that brings residual stress and those effects. I have had a huge reduction in hours as one of my routine patients has become critically ill and has been in the PICU for a few weeks. I am praying so ferverently for this sweet baby to be healed and whole. He has been through so much in his six months of life.

On the home front we have Peter, the oldest, wrapping up his first year in college. He is driving, has a job, lifting weights and staying busy in his fist year post high school. My guy Taylor finishing up his senior year in high school with prom, picnics, graduation and his last high school lacrosse season while simultaneously attending placement testing, orientation and uniform measurements in preparation for his first year at Mass Maritime Academy. The youngest (Michael) is wrapping up his first year in high school and getting ready for football next year. Freshman year was a huge transformative year for him. We are so impressed with all of our boys and so proud of all of them. 

On the adoption front, we are plugging through our homestudy and dossier paperwork. We have most of our references done. We wrote our autobiographies a few weeks ago. That was tough! 

Exciting news: An internet friend referred me to a film about someone that does missionary work at the hospital where Zhao YiMan has lived since she was five months old. There are a couple of documentaries about this couple and the work they do. I watched the films. I was floored. I will do a seperate post about that in a day or so. It really had a profound effect on me and I want to do it justice. Additionally, I would like to share the documentary video and for some reason I am having a hard time doing that on the mobile app.  

Now, I reached out to someone who knew someone, who in turn knew someone that works with our Zhao YiMan. I was not sure what to expect, if anything and much to my delight I awoke to a few new pics of our sweet baby enjoying a snack. She has a mass of shiny black hair on the top of her head and the back and sides are shaved. She looks like a little rocker chick. LOL. They are clear beautiful pictures that make me feel like I can just reach in and touch her. This breaks my heart because of course, I can't. 

I was told that she "is a great little guy" by someone that knows her and plays with her! PLAYS with her! Of course I had to giggle. There is no gender assignment in the orphanage system. They all have their heads shaved, they share clothes, they are often called by nicknames/pet names and Mandarin Chinese is gender neutral! He said "I always thought your daughter was a boy. Funny. I never thought to ask." This really made me giggle and warmed my heart. 

This Saturday we also received Delilah's finding ad from Brian Stuy at http://research-china.org 

I have blogged about finding ads in the past. I really wanted to find her ad on my own and I tried for weeks but I was going in circles. It's like a needle in a haystack! Her ad was in a small paper that never even came up in my baidu searches. I am so grateful for the service that Brian provides. This is a vital piece of YiMan's history and precious to us. We do not plan to share it publically. We feel that it's deeply personal and a tragic part of her life story. I do encourage all adoptive parents to search finding ads online. It is very eye opening and sobering. 

In closing, I just wanted to share one of the newest pics of our little punk rocker Delilah YiMan. Word on the street:  she's a great little guy! 

Boy oh boy...

http://youtu.be/5ijggNs2Ask

This breaks my heart into a million pieces. I love being a boy mom. I loved raising my son so much that I would happily raise ten more like him. Wooden train sets, scooters, hats backward and "pets" dug up in the backyard are all things that touch my heart and bring a smile of remembrance to my face. I wish I had the money and the space, I would bring ten home. This video is really well done. It truly captures the sweet stuff that comes with raising little boys. 

I know that this is not just a problem with children from China either. There are many studies that point to a decreased willingness, by adoptive families in general, to choose boys when given a choice. There are many theories behind this but whatever the reason it is truly a shame. So many people are really robbing themselves of the joy that comes with having a little boy at home. So many little boys are missing out on the opportunity to know the love of a family. 

If you are adopting or considering adoption please consider bringing home a little boy. From any country, via any program. 

A son for you. 

Think about it. Please.

Roller Coaster...

I know my last blog post was silly and superficial.

Excitement over dresses, the fun stuff...

I think I am officially on the Emotional Roller Coaster of Adoption now though.

I worked the night shift last night

and the solitude afforded me the space to drift into deeper territory.

We. Have. A. Daughter.

I. Have. A. Daughter.

I do not yet know the sound of her voice calling to me.

I have not yet had the pleasure of her little hands around my neck.

I have not yet had the privilege to comfort her,

to pick her up and feel her melt against me while I rub her back

and reassure her that

"I am here. I am not leaving. Ever."

I do not yet know the weight of her in my arms,

the smell of her sweet baby neck at bedtime,

the silky feel of her hair in my hands,

the joy of her giggle dissolving into laughter

or the salt of her tears as I kiss them away.

I know her face.

I know her name.

I know that she was placed very publically

on the platform of a train station when she was about four months old.

She was sick and she was small and she was cared for.

I know that I am eternally grateful, that she was so lovingly placed

in a place so public that she was guaranteed to be found.

I also know that she does not even know that I exist.

My baby girl is not missing me or waiting for me

or daydreaming about when her Mama and Baba will arrive.

She does not even know what that really means.

We, as parents, are not tangible concepts to her.

In fact, she does not know "family" in the traditional sense.

My heart is breaking right now as I think about

the emotional impact it will have on her

to leave the only place she knows

to come with us.

To come home to the place we are preparing for her

where she will be loved, nurtured, cherished

and she will be beloved.

I only hope we can make her feel that way.

I pray she will truly know what it feels like to be loved.

I pray that we make her feel safe.



Mini Update and FAQ's...

So, we did get an update from China on the little girl that was referred to us. We were very pleased with the information that they gave us. We asked them for updated photos, a video if possible and we also had a list of questions about her special need, her development, etc. We had a very emotional "ah-ha" moment and we hope to have some super exciting official news to share with everyone in the very near future! 

 So in the meantime I thought we would address some of the frequently asked questions we have gotten when sharing this news with friends and family:

When?

ASAP! Traditionally, the process takes 1-2 years.

We didn't go the traditional route.

We filled out a brief Family introduction sheet, a Medical Conditions Checklist indicating what kind of health conditions and a special needs we were open to and they had a file for us in 8 days.

Not a typo.

That's EIGHT DAYS!!!!

Soooo....if all goes well ;) we will have six months to complete our homestudy and assemble our dossier. After the dossier is sent to China it will be a few months for things to get logged in, approved and situated to start scheduling travel. We can be super fast and organized and maybe, hopefully bring her home by Christmas.

Say your prayers!

Why Special Needs? Why wouldn't you go for a healthy baby?

This is a no brainer.

Why get on a list for a child that is deemed healthy and wait years and years for a referral to bring our baby home when so many children are languishing in orphanages with very manageable health issues and their greatest special need is a family.

A child that needs a family.

A family that wants a child.

See? No brainer.

Plus, all of our boys would be special needs if they were to be categorized for adoption.

All three, and we happen to think they are awesome just the way they are!

 CHINA? Why not adopt from the USA?

This is a big one. We get this a lot.

The very smarty pants answer that I use when I don't feel like dealing with intrusive questions is:

 My daughter is in China so I have to go there. Sorry (shrugs). That's where she is. No choice.

In all reality this was not a big decision between us.

When we met, we both had adoption from China in our hearts. We discussed it the first week that we knew each other. It was, like, our second date. We didn't really discuss other countries much.

We already knew where we would find our little love.

Now, I just checked with my friend that rhymes with oogle and I got this:

It is estimated there are between 143 million and 210 million orphans worldwide

(recent UNICEF report.)

In my opinion, it doesn't matter what country they were born in.

There are too many children that need a family.

If you can subtract just one from the numbers above....do it.

Now.

Any country. Just do it.

If you need information about how to start the process (here in the USA or elsewhere) just let me know, I have TONS of info!

 Isn't it really expensive?

Yes and no.

The fees are pretty well regulated and you know what you are getting into up front.

We have the adoption tax credit that is now a permanent deduction which will help offset some of the fees after we bring our sweetie home.

There are grants we can apply for and no/low interest adoption loans should we need to go that route.

It is, however, a sort of pay as you go process. Which makes it somewhat more manageable.

There is a little fee here another not so little fee there. lol

Then, of course there are the travel expenses.

We will do lots of fundraising to try to avoid getting into massive debt in the process.

We have lots of creative financing ideas!

 Will you tell her she is adopted?

Blank stare.

Don't you think it's unethical that they are charging you for her?

Huge misconception.

There are fees to be paid for:

• A social worker's time to evaluate us, educate us and complete a homestudy
• Our agency to keep us organized, translate our documents, submit our documents and act on our behalf to facilitate the adoption
• Documentation, immigration, fingerprinting and background checks, visas, passports,travel, airfare, food, hotel, etc.
• AND yes a very nominal child rearing fee is paid to the orphanage that has raised our daughter up until this point and trust me, you could not raise a child in the USA for a few years for this sum. It is one of the smaller fees in the whole process.  





There are more questions but these are the most common.

The links at the side of this blog will take you to some great websites that you can get a lot more info from if you are interested.

We are actively raising funds for this now as it seems it will go a lot quicker than we originally planned.

• We are selling really delicious coffee from just love coffee roasters (link at the top right of the blog).
• We have an amazon banner at the bottom of this page that gives us a small kickback if you use that banner as a portal to do your amazon.com shopping. No extra cost to you.
• We have a fundly account set up.
• We are selling every single thing we can bear to part with on ebay.
• We are having a massive garage sale in April.
• We will be selling gorgeous handmade aprons from Scarlet Threads and handmade jewelry from Compelled Designs and...whooo! That's a lot for now!

Check back often for updates!
(and leave comments/questions we love them!)



So. How this referral thingy works...

Okay. As I posted previously: WE GOT A REFERRAL! I have known that I wanted to adopt for most of my adult life. I, personally, have waited sixteen years for this phone call and it did not go down the way I had planned. I always thought I would have the camcorder rolling with a pen and paper in hand and a list of questions ready just the way I had seen and read about since the 90's!


That's not how it went at all kids. I saw that number on my caller i.d. and it was GO time.
No plan. No premeditation. ALL redial!
Lightning speed.
If they were keeping time for redial records somewhere, I broke the record. Promise.


My poor husband, Pete had no idea what hit him. I never gave him the chance. I blurted it out so fast: "holycrapit'sthewaitingchilddepartmentdoyouthinkit'sareferralwejust... Hello this is Holly Emory, returning you call...."
<grabbing scrap paper and making up sign language for: GET ME A PEN NOW!>


I did already blog about the phone call. Right now I want to I need to write about what comes after that phone call.


While on the phone call I was given some basic info. Her name (I can't share that yet.) Her age. (She just turned three.) Her diagnosis. ( Brain Damage Syndrome. Non-existent. This is not a known diagnosis in the USA. FYI)


The agency sent her file over later that night. The file consisted of four pictures. (All over a year old.) Some medical reports. (With a good deal of confusing and contradictory information, also all 18 months old.) Two completely normal CT Scan reports. Her developmental milestones and her story. Her story is where she was placed, when she was found, her age, D.O.B., etc.


After reviewing the information for 24 hours we determined that we definitely had some questions. We wrote an email to our rep at the agency. The email was addressed on Monday. The questions and subsequent request for more info were forwarded to our agency's office in China. The offices in China were shut down for one week due to Chinese New Year so we knew that we would not get a response quickly. I now know that the office in China received the request and it has been forwarded to the Orphanage Director for consideration. I am told that just because you ask for the info it does not mean you will get it. We wait now, we hope and pray that we will get something that will give us clear direction.


This is gut wrenching, This is the kind of stuff that will bring you to your knees and really make you question who you are and what you are made of. I have wallpaper on my iPhone with a photo of a child that sits on the other side of the world. In an orphanage. Her greatest special need: a family. We have to decide if we can be that family. We have to try really hard here, to make the right decision. if they trust us with a child's file then we have to really dig deep and soul search. This is a little girl in a really hopeless place. Before we can say "We are sorry we cannot be her family" OR "YES. We are her family." we will have to completely exhaust ourselves trying to sort this situation out. She deserves that. If we are worthy of adopting ANY child then we owe every child that much, that 100% of our consideration.


Several people in the adoption community and even at our agency told us it is okay to say no. We do not have to accept the referral. Boy, that is just not how I am wired. However, my husband and I have to be in agreement and we have to agree on a plan that works for all of our children. Current and future.


My eighteen year old son, who is such a good human being, said to me "Really though? If a child needs a home, how could you say no?" This is so very challenging. Not at all what I expected. We are going to church and we are praying hard. We are begging for a sign, any sign. So many of the adoption blogs that I have lurked on for years mention this part very quickly. Families blog that "God let them know that this was not their baby" There is so much more information out there about paper chasing, gotcha days, travel tips, etc.


How did God let you know?


I am not questioning any one's faith. I am asking for a road map. Just in case I am not asking God the right questions or I am not looking in the right places.


There is language in this little girl's file that scares me. It takes me out of my comfort zone. However, now that I know her face I do not know how to say "I can't be your Mama." No matter what you believe, it is much easier to follow a direction with the faith that there is a bigger plan in place than the plans you have made or that there is a greater purpose that will guide your decisions. It is both comforting and empowering.


In church this morning (and all day every day for the last week) I prayed for a sign. A clear and obvious direction. I hope beyond all hope that we will get the update this week and our path will be clear.


That is where we are. Please leave me a comment. Any and all words of wisdom will be so greatly appreciated.

<3 p="">

Big Things...The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

There have been many changes in our Adoption Story over the last few weeks. Our China Adoption was a solid plan. We had Excel spreadsheets, budgets, timelines...a plan set in stone, it was solid!

And then there was a girl...

a very little girl in a red dress with the biggest eyes and the sweetest face we had ever seen.

She was on a waiting child list. She was not spoken for and the agency was sending her file back!

He looked. I looked. We agreed she was very cute and then we moved on or so it would seem.

Within a few days he said: "I know it's not what we planned but if we moved this money here and the kids agreed to this then maybe we could do this..."

Hmmm.

Was he saying what I think he was saying.

I confirmed what I though he was saying.

My heart was in my throat.

I inquired about the girl.

My hands shook.

We are doing this.

 I got an email response very quickly. I was told that our names were placed on a waiting list of interested adoptive parents and that there was very little time. I also learned that when you are going through the Special Needs Adoption Program the most important step is your

Medical Conditions Checklist. It holds your place in line.

I did not know this.

This was important information.

We had already submitted our family info sheet, which is like a brief summary with demographic, social and financial snapshots of your family. We did not, however, submit the MCC.

We were dreading that.

The MCC is a long list of medical conditions that an adoptive parent must consider when they are referred a Special Needs/Waiting Child.

We had to go down the list and check off "yes" or "no" to each medical condition.

This indicates to the placing agency whether or not we are open to adopting a child

with that medical condition.

Some conditions are very minor and easily correctable but they range from minor/correctable to Cerebral Palsy, Spina Bifida, Blindness, Major Heart Disease...these are heavy hitters!

There is a lot to consider and let me tell you it feels UGLY.

 It feels like you are rejecting a child that has already been abandoned, that has such a great need for a loving family, medical care, the basics. It feels heinous.

It feels even worse when you and your partner look at this list from two different worlds.

As a nurse, I have relative comfort with all kinds of things! I look at the list pretty readily and say Yes, Yes, Yes to a lot of things.  My poor husband works in an electronics lab and has little or no exposure to many of these things. It all terrifies him. He knows that my son had well over a dozen surgeries in his eighteen years and it makes him sick to think about it.

We sat down with this list and he braced himself for a battle.

There was no battle though. We both felt horrible.

We had to consider our home, our family (immediate and extended), access to community services, our lifestyle in general and we had to apply all of these considerations to this list.

We went to church, we lit candles, we looked for signs and messages in answer to our prayers.

We submitted the list and we felt pretty good about it.

Guess what happened? We were challenged.

We were told that the little girl in the red dress may have one of the heavy hitters that we said "no" to.

Know what? We didn't care!?! All of a sudden, it did not matter. We were saying "YES!"

We felt like she could be our daughter and we were willing to s-t-r-e-t-c-h way beyond what we thought we were comfortable with. I gave Pete an out. I said we can take our name off of the list.

He said "No we can't. She could be my daughter. We don't walk away from our kids if something is wrong with them. We get them help. We love them and make them better."

I really, really love this man.

We consulted with neurologists, child development specialists and therapists.

We got educated quickly.

We harassed the agency and we let them know we were committed. We didn't even have the official file but we did have enough info to know the worst case scenarios and we were ready for that.

We took another leap of faith.

We filed our official application and paid the fee. We wanted to be ready.

We started treading into dangerous water. We started showing people pictures and talked about her non-stop. We just really felt like things would fall in to place.

(The way a young girl is painfully certain that if she could just meet Harry Stiles he would be sure to fall in love with her and take her away to be his forever, or at least take her to prom....

yes we were that bad.)

Well flash forward, the little girl in the red dress has a family working to bring her home now.

It is not us.

She is matched to another family and she is not our daughter.

Heartbreaking.

She is, however, a very important part of our adoption story.

Because of her we got the ball rolling. Really rolling, like a snowball going down hill!

She was a catalyst for us to step out in faith and do the things that up until now we had only talked about. She will always own a little piece of our hearts. She will always be in our prayers. I truly hope her parents are present in the blogosphere and by some chance we will be able to see that she is doing well with her family. We congratulate them and wish them many blessings.

We prayed for her to have a family. Our prayers were answered.

Now we are on the path to completing our dossier, turning our house upside down and beginning our homestudy. It's not just a plan anymore.

Thank you baby girl for opening our hearts and our minds.

We wish you a life filled with good health, love, joy and unspeakable beauty.

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Intro

Before I dig deep into an introduction of who we are and why we are blogging...

I have a confession to make.

I am a lurker. I have lurked on your blogs for a few years now.

At times, obsessively.

I have prayed with you, laughed with you and shared many a tear with you.

It has taken me a very long time to take this step and I can't lie...I am more than a little nervous.

I feel like I am waiting for one of you to pick me for your kickball team.

Oh, how I want to be on your team!

You see, my husband Pete and I are beginning to raise funds for adoption. This is a big step for us.

HUGE

What we are doing is thrilling and terrifying at once.

I have witnessed the sheer power of this internet community.

The shared faith, the knowledge, the love and the support is breathtaking.

Did I mention that I REALLY want to be on this team???