The name on her door...

Someone has a new bedroom.

I bet you could guess who.

 if you knew her name!

;)

Watch 'til the end...

We have been anxious 

to make the perfect little space 

for the little girl

that has occupied our hearts 

for so long now.

We still have some

more work to do.

We need new closet doors, 

an area rug, 

closet organizers 

and lots of toys....

It's a great start though.

We quite literally woke up one day 

and said "lets do her bedroom."

(you can verify the spontaneity

 with my bed head 

and Pete's flashy AC*DC pajama pants!)

We are so happy that we did it.

We open the door and imagine 

our little girl enjoying the space 

that we created for her.

Yes. We cry.

All of the time.

 BIG FAT tears of joy and anticipation 

and gratitude.


the video on you tube (if you don't have flash)

My Most Frequently Asked Question...

How did you get a referral so quickly?

There is an undeniable current in the China adoption community that flows with the pursuit of mild to moderate special need girls that are as young as possible. I understand the flow. I do.

My husband and I have three teen boys. Two are the product of his first marriage. One is the product of my first marriage. We have not had a child together. We want to raise a child together and we want a little girl in the house. I have a step-daughter from my first marriage. She was eight years old when I became her step parent. She is now a beautiful, successful, articulate young woman that is planning her wedding and building her future family plans. Pete has never raised a little girl. He wants a daughter. I would have checked either gender on our application. I love parenting boys. I do, however, understand where he is coming from so we checked girl and girl only.

There is much conversation on the support groups about the slow down of referrals for these mild to moderate young girls. People compare agencies and report to each other who has more files with younger girls, etc. There seems to be a mass exodus to get in line for cleft lip/palate girls. (from my observation) Many people lament that they are waiting so long for a referral and indicate that they are open to many medical conditions on their checklist and they cannot understand why they wait. I am going to say something here that may make me very unpopular but if you are open to five or ten conditions on your checklist and you think that is a lot because you really wanted to be in the NSN program but that wait is just impossible so those conditions are a stretch anyway...you are going to wait. You are not going to wait as long as the children are waiting though. The children that are aging out. The little boys. The child with repaired Spina Bifida that is totally healthy with normal intelligence and nothing but potential. The child that is developmentally delayed due to institutionalization, that would flourish in a family. The child with Cerebral Palsy that would fly down the hall with a walker and some AFO's. They will wait much longer. Many of them continue to age out. Every week we see it. Advocates post with sadness that children have reached their fourteenth birthday and are no longer eligible for adoption.

I am not trying to be preachy or sanctimonius AT ALL. What this post truly stems from is many, many private conversations that I have had with the people in our fb support groups over the past few months. When I post that I had a referral in eight days and another adoptive parent I know had her referral in two weeks, people reach out with private messages and want to know how it was done. There is no real magic formula. I keep saying the same things over and over again. We were open to a lot. We were terrified (we still are), we did a ton of research, we had our hearts broken with each and every check mark. It was grueling. We sat with our computer, our iPad and two smart phones as we researched every single condition. We utilized blogs, No Hands But Ours, and support groups to see what life looked like when you had a family member with each condition, we looked up treatment, prognosis and management for each condition and verified that we had access to those services and we made choice after difficult choice. We prayed and prayed some more. After submitting our Medical Conditions Checklist we received an email back from the agency that said: So, I think it is a very  realistic checklist and would expect you will see a child over the next few weeks to months.  I reassured my husband that EVERYONE online is saying it will be  much longer and not to worry, we had plenty of time. Eight. Days.

What we said YES to:

Cataracts, Deafness, Ear Malformation-Microtia/Atresia, Glaucoma, Nystagmus, Hearing Loss Partial, Vision Loss Partial, Ptosis, Strabismus, Dextrocardia, Diabetes, Heart Condition Minor & Major, Thalessemia, Club Foot/Feet, Brachial Plexus Injury, Cerebral Palsy, Hernia, Hip Dysplasia, Hepatitis B&C, Abnormal Brain CT, Arachnoid Cyst, Brain Damage, Hydrocephalus, Sacral Tumor, Spina Bifida (Meningocele/Myelomeningocele), Tethered Spinal Cord, Anal Atresia, Failure to Thrive, Feeding/Swallowing Issues, Hiatal Hernia, Megacolon/Hirschsprung's Disease, Pyloric Stenosis, Hydrocele, Hydronephrosis, Kidney Condition, Eczema, Hemangioma, Lymphangioma, Delayed Development, Poor Brain Development, Premature and YES to Known Multiple Conditions.

 

 

We said YES to her.



 

 

The children are there.

They are waiting.

Find your child.

Do some research, serious research about each of the conditions on the list that scares you. Know your hard line limitations.

I am not saying anyone should bite off more than they know they can chew

BUT you might be able to stretch further than you realize.

 

Little things...

Little update here.

I am working on a bigger post but for now...

First...I just got my half of the mother/daughter jade bracelets that we bought. I am told that YiMan received hers two weeks ago. I do hope they let her wear it. I will wear mine until we meet. The bracelets have light jade beads strung on a red thread. For those of you that don't know the significance of the red thread:
there is an Asian belief that there is an invisible red thread that connects you to those you are destined to have in your life, the thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break.
The red thread legend is very popular in the adoption community (obvious reasons).
Many thanks, again, to Ann at readthreadchina.com

We met our social worker for our first face to face yesterday. LOVED HER.
We both found her super easy to talk to and it wasn't at all as scary as we thought it would be.
We look forward to the rest of the homestudy now.
Pete said I talked waaaaaay too much. Funny, I thought he did.
Lol...anyway, I had so much more to say! HA!

We are really, really excited right now because Disney.
We are thinking about adding a Hong Kong Disneyland Day at the end of our China trip. It is insanely affordable. The HK Disney hotels are cheaper than many other hotels in HK. Park tickets and character meals are a fraction of the US cost. We are not sure where YiMan will be with her comfort level, attachment and handling big outings so we are thinking about booking the HK Disney Hotel for our two days in HK and probably booking a character meal (they have a Chef Mickey's)...if YiMan is doing well we will venture in to the park. If not...quiet day at the hotel.
(BTDT parents: your advice is welcome.)
Also, there is some talk about a Disney cruise with the families from our adoption agency. It will probably be sometime in 2015.
We are really excited about that prospect!

So busy today...this blog post is a little digression to help me get all of my happy thoughts out so I can settle down and focus!

Happy Thoughts:

Updates, News and Pictures!!!

Okay...who remembers the care package that we sent in March?

We tracked that package to Beijing and it arrived there on 4/5/2014. That's where tracking ends.
We never heard if it was delivered or if our sweet girl received any of her things. We asked around on our private fb group for families that have adopted children at the Rehab Hospital and the consensus was clear that children did not receive their packages until they were sent back to their home SWI to prepare for adoption day. That's months off. All of the wonderful people in the group were kind enough to note that packages and parties sent directly to the hospital via the third party providers in China made it through. There were a few recommendations and we chose to work with Ann at Red Thread China. Please look at her web site.She came highly  recommended and I cannot stress enough how happy we are with her service. Truly. She was very patient with our questions, she was helpful in determining which items we should choose and personally attended to every detail! I just love her! On Friday May 9th we sent payment for a Forever Family Cake Party. On Saturday May 10th I received an email that said "Happy Mothers Day" in the subject line. I opened it to see this:

 Could you just die? I almost did.

 Our girl LOVES her cake!

 So pretty in pink.

There is a 1:46 video but blogger is not letting me upload it. 

Basically, we see that she is a lefty! They keep trying to make her put the fork in her right hand but she transfers back. She has nice table manners. She is calm and very observant. She sticks up for her little friends! The little girl in yellow that is to her right had an empty plate and our YiMan got the Nanny's attention and got her some cake! Such a good girl. We clearly hear a man in the room calling her "YiMan" and she responds to it, so we know that she knows that name. 

Her motor skills and self care skills are awesome. 

We are so blessed!

Along with the cake, she also got this:

In the bottom right hand corner of this picture there is a jade red thread bracelet. It's one half to a mommy/daughter set. The other half is en route to me. I really hope they let her wear it and we will both have them on when we meet. The picture pillow is designed to help her get familiar with our faces. There is a translated letter to her and to the nannies. A flash drive with instructions for pics and files. A can of biscuits for the nannies and the panda's. So cute! I hope she gets to enjoy these things.

If that wasn't enough for ya' - there is a BONUS!

I randomly checked my email yesterday and saw a message from the Waiting Child department at our agency...WE GOT AN UPDATE!!! She is still at the Rehab Hospital. We got measurements, pictures and development updates! What we are told: She is 28 pounds (2 pound gain since February). She is 34.25 inches tall. (1 inch gain since February) We got our first foot measurements! We can start thinking about shoes!!! 12 cm (about 4.7 inches) sooooo tiny!!!  They say that she does not need a diaper. She can take her shoes off/put them on independently. Feed herself. She has three meals and three snacks a day and sleeps from 7:30 pm thru 6:30 am (but one of her snacks takes place in that time frame??? GeGe Peter just said that he can help her out with that! LOL)  She is introverted, has stranger anxiety and answers to YiMan or ManMan.  She continues to attend ST and OT. She puts 3-5 word sentences together. The best part:

 We are going crazy now! 

We really cannot get through this process fast enough!

Her hair is growing so fast!

(is that a P and an H on the mittens on her shirt?)

Kid's got a mean poker face!

She is going to give GeGe Taylor a run for his money with that stare down!

Seriously?

Can't stand the cuteness.

The face!!!!

We are so in love.

P.S. We are also playing the name game! 

Shhhh! Don't tell!

Who is baba?

…or daddy?

When we first received her file both Holly and I discussed it over time while waiting for updated information but we already knew that she was the one. I have looked at her picture on my phone, on my desktop at work and at home on the iPad as well as on the refrigerator many, many times. I have watched her video again and again every day since we have received her file. I can remember every step she makes as well as all of her expressions. Holly picked up a sigh that she makes when she starts to walk and we both know this video inside and out. I had major concerns with the lack of smiling that I have seen but I have learned so much from our Facebook friends in the adoption community. So many people have generously chimed in with their own experiences. In the weeks that have passed I feel like I can imagine what she is thinking in her pictures. I feel like I have known her, then I realize she doesn't have a clue about who I am. She doesn’t really have the concept of parents or family, she hasn’t experienced it. We look at her photos and imagine what she is doing at the moment they were taken, where she is headed, what she is thinking... LOL We imagine that a little twinkle in her eye as she glances to the left might indicate that she is about to dart off after a friend that was in the previous picture but has left the camera’s view. She gazes so intensely at the camera that it feels like she is looking right at us. We feel like we know so much about her already from simply reading documents, looking at pictures and a quick video. It’s funny, although I feel like I know her and that she knows me nothing could be further from the truth. All of our assumptions about her personality might be completely wrong and of course she does not really know me.

Though, she may know my face…

Holly and I put our care package together and sent our photo's in a little book a few weeks ago. I so wonder what she thinks when she looks at the bald funny looking man smiling at her in those pictures. Does she smile like I do when I look at her photo?  Does she have any idea how much her life is going to change? I wish she knew how badly I want her home. I am so ready to have her here getting the love and attention that she needs and deserves.  

I want her life with us to begin RIGHT NOW. I worry about the day she will meet us. I wonder if she will want to be in my arms as much as I want to hold her. Will she be scared of me? I have learned that some children will go to one parent and not the other.  If she prefers one parent over the other I want it to be Holly that first day because I don't want her to feel left out. 

After all Holly can have that one day no problem and then I will get a lifetime with Daddy's little girl!

Great Little Guy...

Well. We have not posted in a while. We have a lot going on and we both feel kind of overwhelmed and underwater. Pete has been crazy busy with a lot of pressure from changes at work and of course that brings residual stress and those effects. I have had a huge reduction in hours as one of my routine patients has become critically ill and has been in the PICU for a few weeks. I am praying so ferverently for this sweet baby to be healed and whole. He has been through so much in his six months of life.

On the home front we have Peter, the oldest, wrapping up his first year in college. He is driving, has a job, lifting weights and staying busy in his fist year post high school. My guy Taylor finishing up his senior year in high school with prom, picnics, graduation and his last high school lacrosse season while simultaneously attending placement testing, orientation and uniform measurements in preparation for his first year at Mass Maritime Academy. The youngest (Michael) is wrapping up his first year in high school and getting ready for football next year. Freshman year was a huge transformative year for him. We are so impressed with all of our boys and so proud of all of them. 

On the adoption front, we are plugging through our homestudy and dossier paperwork. We have most of our references done. We wrote our autobiographies a few weeks ago. That was tough! 

Exciting news: An internet friend referred me to a film about someone that does missionary work at the hospital where Zhao YiMan has lived since she was five months old. There are a couple of documentaries about this couple and the work they do. I watched the films. I was floored. I will do a seperate post about that in a day or so. It really had a profound effect on me and I want to do it justice. Additionally, I would like to share the documentary video and for some reason I am having a hard time doing that on the mobile app.  

Now, I reached out to someone who knew someone, who in turn knew someone that works with our Zhao YiMan. I was not sure what to expect, if anything and much to my delight I awoke to a few new pics of our sweet baby enjoying a snack. She has a mass of shiny black hair on the top of her head and the back and sides are shaved. She looks like a little rocker chick. LOL. They are clear beautiful pictures that make me feel like I can just reach in and touch her. This breaks my heart because of course, I can't. 

I was told that she "is a great little guy" by someone that knows her and plays with her! PLAYS with her! Of course I had to giggle. There is no gender assignment in the orphanage system. They all have their heads shaved, they share clothes, they are often called by nicknames/pet names and Mandarin Chinese is gender neutral! He said "I always thought your daughter was a boy. Funny. I never thought to ask." This really made me giggle and warmed my heart. 

This Saturday we also received Delilah's finding ad from Brian Stuy at http://research-china.org 

I have blogged about finding ads in the past. I really wanted to find her ad on my own and I tried for weeks but I was going in circles. It's like a needle in a haystack! Her ad was in a small paper that never even came up in my baidu searches. I am so grateful for the service that Brian provides. This is a vital piece of YiMan's history and precious to us. We do not plan to share it publically. We feel that it's deeply personal and a tragic part of her life story. I do encourage all adoptive parents to search finding ads online. It is very eye opening and sobering. 

In closing, I just wanted to share one of the newest pics of our little punk rocker Delilah YiMan. Word on the street:  she's a great little guy! 

Doin' Work...

Well...it's adoption prep for days around these parts. It IS a labor of love but it is also a ton of work! We started out with a blog redesign. We went with a dynamic format to help our readers with a more user friendly interface. We sincerely hope everyone likes it!

We kicked off the puzzle piece fundraiser this weekend. The fundraiser had its own page! If you check out the navbar on the main page of the blog you will see a few interesting stand alone pages. One of them is all shouty caps with: PUZZLE PIECE FUNDRAISER. Hard to miss! We are so excited to get this puzzle put together and marvel at all of the awesome people that are on this journey with us! (Thank you!) 

42 pieces sold already!!! WOO HOOOO!

Next stop Trenton, NJ!!! We picked up some certified vital records in Trenton and we took them right over to the NJ State Treasurers Office to be Apostilled and I can pick them up Monday! We were excited to find out that they discount document processing for adoptive families!!! Everyone we dealt with was super nice and very helpful. 

We had a great evening at home. We worked on paperwork while we watched Frozen. LOVED IT! Let It Goooooooo! My new mantra!

eBay sales are really starting to pick up so we had LOTS of shipping to do on Saturday. Our postmaster is awesome but even with his help, I am still making shipping mistakes. I have to improve on shipping calculations so I don't eat up half of the funds we raise with errors!

After shipping it was Care Package Time!!!! YAY! I have been dying for care package time. We had a blast at Babies R' Us. Well...Pete was mostly nervous; I had a blast. He had a difficult time picking things out for Delilah Yi Man. He is worried that he won't know what she will like because he never raised a girl! I told him not to worry girls just want everything in the store like every other kid!!! You can't go wrong. Everything will be fine. LOL. I think we did well! We have a gorgeous bunny, a small photo book for babies, a super soft and cozy blanket, chocolate for the nannies, lollipops to share with friends and yogurt melts for the babies!

There is also a disposable camera. The hope is that they will use the camera to take pictures of Delilah in her daily routine and then return the camera to us when we go to China.

The photo album is the most important part to us. If she does not get to keep anything else, we truly hope she gets to have this. 

We will add an outfit and some clothing items over the next few days and we will ship before the week is over! This is so exciting!

I forgot to mention that Pete just had to throw in the Dallas Cowboys Beanie Bear (to the left of the box) for an extra personal touch! ;) I told him that he may never see it again but he said it will be worth it if we get a picture back and she is holding it. (plus he has two Cowboys beanies and she really needs to know about the Cowboys, right?)

While at Babies R' Us I was able to pick up this much coveted outfit that I have been wanting for Delilah. My cousin Melissa just picked this up for her daughter and I thought it was adorable, Pete said that I have to stop buying clothes as we don't know what her size will be when we actually bring her home...I keep trying to explain that if she stays on the fifth percentile it's predictable! He doesn't get it! I want to shop! ;)

I can't wait until next spring to put this on her!

Oh, we were also surprised with Delilah's first baby from her grandparents!!!! Bitty Baby arrived this weekend and she will be put away until Delilah Yi Man is home and can get her from GiGi and PopPop in person. Too cute! 

On Sunday we started to prep and organize our handmade items for sale for adoptio fundraising. Our neice Tiffany came over and helped us out. That was a lot of fun. We have a facebook photo album with the items that are for sale.

Well, this is my hubby at the end of a very long day. He is admiring our photo labeling work! 

yaaaaaaawwwwnnnnn

Time for sleep! 

Thanks for reading. 

Roller Coaster...

I know my last blog post was silly and superficial.

Excitement over dresses, the fun stuff...

I think I am officially on the Emotional Roller Coaster of Adoption now though.

I worked the night shift last night

and the solitude afforded me the space to drift into deeper territory.

We. Have. A. Daughter.

I. Have. A. Daughter.

I do not yet know the sound of her voice calling to me.

I have not yet had the pleasure of her little hands around my neck.

I have not yet had the privilege to comfort her,

to pick her up and feel her melt against me while I rub her back

and reassure her that

"I am here. I am not leaving. Ever."

I do not yet know the weight of her in my arms,

the smell of her sweet baby neck at bedtime,

the silky feel of her hair in my hands,

the joy of her giggle dissolving into laughter

or the salt of her tears as I kiss them away.

I know her face.

I know her name.

I know that she was placed very publically

on the platform of a train station when she was about four months old.

She was sick and she was small and she was cared for.

I know that I am eternally grateful, that she was so lovingly placed

in a place so public that she was guaranteed to be found.

I also know that she does not even know that I exist.

My baby girl is not missing me or waiting for me

or daydreaming about when her Mama and Baba will arrive.

She does not even know what that really means.

We, as parents, are not tangible concepts to her.

In fact, she does not know "family" in the traditional sense.

My heart is breaking right now as I think about

the emotional impact it will have on her

to leave the only place she knows

to come with us.

To come home to the place we are preparing for her

where she will be loved, nurtured, cherished

and she will be beloved.

I only hope we can make her feel that way.

I pray she will truly know what it feels like to be loved.

I pray that we make her feel safe.



So. How this referral thingy works...

Okay. As I posted previously: WE GOT A REFERRAL! I have known that I wanted to adopt for most of my adult life. I, personally, have waited sixteen years for this phone call and it did not go down the way I had planned. I always thought I would have the camcorder rolling with a pen and paper in hand and a list of questions ready just the way I had seen and read about since the 90's!


That's not how it went at all kids. I saw that number on my caller i.d. and it was GO time.
No plan. No premeditation. ALL redial!
Lightning speed.
If they were keeping time for redial records somewhere, I broke the record. Promise.


My poor husband, Pete had no idea what hit him. I never gave him the chance. I blurted it out so fast: "holycrapit'sthewaitingchilddepartmentdoyouthinkit'sareferralwejust... Hello this is Holly Emory, returning you call...."
<grabbing scrap paper and making up sign language for: GET ME A PEN NOW!>


I did already blog about the phone call. Right now I want to I need to write about what comes after that phone call.


While on the phone call I was given some basic info. Her name (I can't share that yet.) Her age. (She just turned three.) Her diagnosis. ( Brain Damage Syndrome. Non-existent. This is not a known diagnosis in the USA. FYI)


The agency sent her file over later that night. The file consisted of four pictures. (All over a year old.) Some medical reports. (With a good deal of confusing and contradictory information, also all 18 months old.) Two completely normal CT Scan reports. Her developmental milestones and her story. Her story is where she was placed, when she was found, her age, D.O.B., etc.


After reviewing the information for 24 hours we determined that we definitely had some questions. We wrote an email to our rep at the agency. The email was addressed on Monday. The questions and subsequent request for more info were forwarded to our agency's office in China. The offices in China were shut down for one week due to Chinese New Year so we knew that we would not get a response quickly. I now know that the office in China received the request and it has been forwarded to the Orphanage Director for consideration. I am told that just because you ask for the info it does not mean you will get it. We wait now, we hope and pray that we will get something that will give us clear direction.


This is gut wrenching, This is the kind of stuff that will bring you to your knees and really make you question who you are and what you are made of. I have wallpaper on my iPhone with a photo of a child that sits on the other side of the world. In an orphanage. Her greatest special need: a family. We have to decide if we can be that family. We have to try really hard here, to make the right decision. if they trust us with a child's file then we have to really dig deep and soul search. This is a little girl in a really hopeless place. Before we can say "We are sorry we cannot be her family" OR "YES. We are her family." we will have to completely exhaust ourselves trying to sort this situation out. She deserves that. If we are worthy of adopting ANY child then we owe every child that much, that 100% of our consideration.


Several people in the adoption community and even at our agency told us it is okay to say no. We do not have to accept the referral. Boy, that is just not how I am wired. However, my husband and I have to be in agreement and we have to agree on a plan that works for all of our children. Current and future.


My eighteen year old son, who is such a good human being, said to me "Really though? If a child needs a home, how could you say no?" This is so very challenging. Not at all what I expected. We are going to church and we are praying hard. We are begging for a sign, any sign. So many of the adoption blogs that I have lurked on for years mention this part very quickly. Families blog that "God let them know that this was not their baby" There is so much more information out there about paper chasing, gotcha days, travel tips, etc.


How did God let you know?


I am not questioning any one's faith. I am asking for a road map. Just in case I am not asking God the right questions or I am not looking in the right places.


There is language in this little girl's file that scares me. It takes me out of my comfort zone. However, now that I know her face I do not know how to say "I can't be your Mama." No matter what you believe, it is much easier to follow a direction with the faith that there is a bigger plan in place than the plans you have made or that there is a greater purpose that will guide your decisions. It is both comforting and empowering.


In church this morning (and all day every day for the last week) I prayed for a sign. A clear and obvious direction. I hope beyond all hope that we will get the update this week and our path will be clear.


That is where we are. Please leave me a comment. Any and all words of wisdom will be so greatly appreciated.

<3 p="">

Big Things...The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

There have been many changes in our Adoption Story over the last few weeks. Our China Adoption was a solid plan. We had Excel spreadsheets, budgets, timelines...a plan set in stone, it was solid!

And then there was a girl...

a very little girl in a red dress with the biggest eyes and the sweetest face we had ever seen.

She was on a waiting child list. She was not spoken for and the agency was sending her file back!

He looked. I looked. We agreed she was very cute and then we moved on or so it would seem.

Within a few days he said: "I know it's not what we planned but if we moved this money here and the kids agreed to this then maybe we could do this..."

Hmmm.

Was he saying what I think he was saying.

I confirmed what I though he was saying.

My heart was in my throat.

I inquired about the girl.

My hands shook.

We are doing this.

 I got an email response very quickly. I was told that our names were placed on a waiting list of interested adoptive parents and that there was very little time. I also learned that when you are going through the Special Needs Adoption Program the most important step is your

Medical Conditions Checklist. It holds your place in line.

I did not know this.

This was important information.

We had already submitted our family info sheet, which is like a brief summary with demographic, social and financial snapshots of your family. We did not, however, submit the MCC.

We were dreading that.

The MCC is a long list of medical conditions that an adoptive parent must consider when they are referred a Special Needs/Waiting Child.

We had to go down the list and check off "yes" or "no" to each medical condition.

This indicates to the placing agency whether or not we are open to adopting a child

with that medical condition.

Some conditions are very minor and easily correctable but they range from minor/correctable to Cerebral Palsy, Spina Bifida, Blindness, Major Heart Disease...these are heavy hitters!

There is a lot to consider and let me tell you it feels UGLY.

 It feels like you are rejecting a child that has already been abandoned, that has such a great need for a loving family, medical care, the basics. It feels heinous.

It feels even worse when you and your partner look at this list from two different worlds.

As a nurse, I have relative comfort with all kinds of things! I look at the list pretty readily and say Yes, Yes, Yes to a lot of things.  My poor husband works in an electronics lab and has little or no exposure to many of these things. It all terrifies him. He knows that my son had well over a dozen surgeries in his eighteen years and it makes him sick to think about it.

We sat down with this list and he braced himself for a battle.

There was no battle though. We both felt horrible.

We had to consider our home, our family (immediate and extended), access to community services, our lifestyle in general and we had to apply all of these considerations to this list.

We went to church, we lit candles, we looked for signs and messages in answer to our prayers.

We submitted the list and we felt pretty good about it.

Guess what happened? We were challenged.

We were told that the little girl in the red dress may have one of the heavy hitters that we said "no" to.

Know what? We didn't care!?! All of a sudden, it did not matter. We were saying "YES!"

We felt like she could be our daughter and we were willing to s-t-r-e-t-c-h way beyond what we thought we were comfortable with. I gave Pete an out. I said we can take our name off of the list.

He said "No we can't. She could be my daughter. We don't walk away from our kids if something is wrong with them. We get them help. We love them and make them better."

I really, really love this man.

We consulted with neurologists, child development specialists and therapists.

We got educated quickly.

We harassed the agency and we let them know we were committed. We didn't even have the official file but we did have enough info to know the worst case scenarios and we were ready for that.

We took another leap of faith.

We filed our official application and paid the fee. We wanted to be ready.

We started treading into dangerous water. We started showing people pictures and talked about her non-stop. We just really felt like things would fall in to place.

(The way a young girl is painfully certain that if she could just meet Harry Stiles he would be sure to fall in love with her and take her away to be his forever, or at least take her to prom....

yes we were that bad.)

Well flash forward, the little girl in the red dress has a family working to bring her home now.

It is not us.

She is matched to another family and she is not our daughter.

Heartbreaking.

She is, however, a very important part of our adoption story.

Because of her we got the ball rolling. Really rolling, like a snowball going down hill!

She was a catalyst for us to step out in faith and do the things that up until now we had only talked about. She will always own a little piece of our hearts. She will always be in our prayers. I truly hope her parents are present in the blogosphere and by some chance we will be able to see that she is doing well with her family. We congratulate them and wish them many blessings.

We prayed for her to have a family. Our prayers were answered.

Now we are on the path to completing our dossier, turning our house upside down and beginning our homestudy. It's not just a plan anymore.

Thank you baby girl for opening our hearts and our minds.

We wish you a life filled with good health, love, joy and unspeakable beauty.

<3 p="">

Intro

Before I dig deep into an introduction of who we are and why we are blogging...

I have a confession to make.

I am a lurker. I have lurked on your blogs for a few years now.

At times, obsessively.

I have prayed with you, laughed with you and shared many a tear with you.

It has taken me a very long time to take this step and I can't lie...I am more than a little nervous.

I feel like I am waiting for one of you to pick me for your kickball team.

Oh, how I want to be on your team!

You see, my husband Pete and I are beginning to raise funds for adoption. This is a big step for us.

HUGE

What we are doing is thrilling and terrifying at once.

I have witnessed the sheer power of this internet community.

The shared faith, the knowledge, the love and the support is breathtaking.

Did I mention that I REALLY want to be on this team???