Putting the Pieces Together...

Sifting through the information in a Special Needs file can be a daunting task. It is not easy to put aside emotion and dig in to the data before you and analyze. Many people utilize physicians and other health care specialists and get conflicting opinions or discouraging information that really makes it difficult to hold onto the excitement and move forward with confidence. First time parents really struggle with what they should be worried about particularly if they lack exposure to children with medical issues. The terminology is frightening. Growth curves, percentiles, milestones...it's a lot. Especially when you are looking at the beautiful face of a child and wondering "Am I your mommy?, Can I give you what you need?"

That being said, there are many tools available to adoptive parents to help them dig through the information at hand when they get the much anticipated file. I am talking about the info one has to know. The stuff that will become rote when the precious pumpkin is home and going to regular  doctor appointments, etc. I am in no way recommending that this info replaces your physician recommendations or usurps it in any way. I am saying there are tools available to really help you get to know your potential child's level of development and ability.

When a young child visits the pediatrician routine measurements are taken for height, weight and head circumference. These measurements are plotted on a graph and physician's watch for consistency and balance in the growth curve to be assured that the child is developing properly. Chinese children are relatively smaller than the average American child so when their measurements are plotted on the CDC graphs the results are often alarming.

The Magic Foundation offers many types of growth charts for different ethnicities and medical circumstances that you can use for reference. Additionally, a quick growth calculator using who (World Health Organization) data allows you to plug in numbers and it gives you a percentile based on global standards.

The next thing to comb through are development and any abilities that may be listed for the child. The CDC offers a chart and a printable checklist for developmental milestones that a child should reach by each age/stage of development. When working with this checklist keep in mind that it is expected for an institutionalized child to lose one month of development for every three months institutionalized. Therefore, when my referral for a 36 month old child came through I would be reviewing milestones up to 24 months old on the chart. If she exceeded that target it was a bonus. I did the same for older SOG (state of growth) reports in her file. If she had an exam at 18 months of age, I compare her abilities to the 12 month milestone targets and so on.

Important notes:
Information can be contradictory. You might get an update stating that a child is in therapy for poor gross motor skills with a video of the child walking and throwing a ball (with mastery.)
My referral had a statement that read "this child is unable to speak" but the boxes for "puts 3-5 words together" were checked off.
When the boxes aren't checked it does not mean they cannot do it. It probably means it was not observed. We had many unchecked boxes for things that we saw her doing in pictures and video.
Please also check the age when the exam took place. Do not be alarmed if you read that the child is unable to walk and simple math shows they are only seven months old at the time.
Some common sense needs to be applied.

This is especially important when looking at files for children with the very vague neuro diagnoses. For example Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy (impossible to verify with an unwitnessed birth), Brain Damage Syndrome, Low IQ (no valid test methods exist for young children), Low Intelligence, Poor Brain Development, etc. These sweet babies require extra time and attention when their files are under consideration. The labels applied to them sound very intimidating and it is often difficult to find the supporting evidence for these diagnoses. You have to look past the labels and search for their abilities. Many of these babies have institutional delays that are normal under the circumstances in which they have been living. These are the miracle babies that come home and flourish with good nutrition and the love of a family.

My Most Frequently Asked Question...

How did you get a referral so quickly?

There is an undeniable current in the China adoption community that flows with the pursuit of mild to moderate special need girls that are as young as possible. I understand the flow. I do.

My husband and I have three teen boys. Two are the product of his first marriage. One is the product of my first marriage. We have not had a child together. We want to raise a child together and we want a little girl in the house. I have a step-daughter from my first marriage. She was eight years old when I became her step parent. She is now a beautiful, successful, articulate young woman that is planning her wedding and building her future family plans. Pete has never raised a little girl. He wants a daughter. I would have checked either gender on our application. I love parenting boys. I do, however, understand where he is coming from so we checked girl and girl only.

There is much conversation on the support groups about the slow down of referrals for these mild to moderate young girls. People compare agencies and report to each other who has more files with younger girls, etc. There seems to be a mass exodus to get in line for cleft lip/palate girls. (from my observation) Many people lament that they are waiting so long for a referral and indicate that they are open to many medical conditions on their checklist and they cannot understand why they wait. I am going to say something here that may make me very unpopular but if you are open to five or ten conditions on your checklist and you think that is a lot because you really wanted to be in the NSN program but that wait is just impossible so those conditions are a stretch anyway...you are going to wait. You are not going to wait as long as the children are waiting though. The children that are aging out. The little boys. The child with repaired Spina Bifida that is totally healthy with normal intelligence and nothing but potential. The child that is developmentally delayed due to institutionalization, that would flourish in a family. The child with Cerebral Palsy that would fly down the hall with a walker and some AFO's. They will wait much longer. Many of them continue to age out. Every week we see it. Advocates post with sadness that children have reached their fourteenth birthday and are no longer eligible for adoption.

I am not trying to be preachy or sanctimonius AT ALL. What this post truly stems from is many, many private conversations that I have had with the people in our fb support groups over the past few months. When I post that I had a referral in eight days and another adoptive parent I know had her referral in two weeks, people reach out with private messages and want to know how it was done. There is no real magic formula. I keep saying the same things over and over again. We were open to a lot. We were terrified (we still are), we did a ton of research, we had our hearts broken with each and every check mark. It was grueling. We sat with our computer, our iPad and two smart phones as we researched every single condition. We utilized blogs, No Hands But Ours, and support groups to see what life looked like when you had a family member with each condition, we looked up treatment, prognosis and management for each condition and verified that we had access to those services and we made choice after difficult choice. We prayed and prayed some more. After submitting our Medical Conditions Checklist we received an email back from the agency that said: So, I think it is a very  realistic checklist and would expect you will see a child over the next few weeks to months.  I reassured my husband that EVERYONE online is saying it will be  much longer and not to worry, we had plenty of time. Eight. Days.

What we said YES to:

Cataracts, Deafness, Ear Malformation-Microtia/Atresia, Glaucoma, Nystagmus, Hearing Loss Partial, Vision Loss Partial, Ptosis, Strabismus, Dextrocardia, Diabetes, Heart Condition Minor & Major, Thalessemia, Club Foot/Feet, Brachial Plexus Injury, Cerebral Palsy, Hernia, Hip Dysplasia, Hepatitis B&C, Abnormal Brain CT, Arachnoid Cyst, Brain Damage, Hydrocephalus, Sacral Tumor, Spina Bifida (Meningocele/Myelomeningocele), Tethered Spinal Cord, Anal Atresia, Failure to Thrive, Feeding/Swallowing Issues, Hiatal Hernia, Megacolon/Hirschsprung's Disease, Pyloric Stenosis, Hydrocele, Hydronephrosis, Kidney Condition, Eczema, Hemangioma, Lymphangioma, Delayed Development, Poor Brain Development, Premature and YES to Known Multiple Conditions.

 

 

We said YES to her.



 

 

The children are there.

They are waiting.

Find your child.

Do some research, serious research about each of the conditions on the list that scares you. Know your hard line limitations.

I am not saying anyone should bite off more than they know they can chew

BUT you might be able to stretch further than you realize.

 

Great Little Guy...

Well. We have not posted in a while. We have a lot going on and we both feel kind of overwhelmed and underwater. Pete has been crazy busy with a lot of pressure from changes at work and of course that brings residual stress and those effects. I have had a huge reduction in hours as one of my routine patients has become critically ill and has been in the PICU for a few weeks. I am praying so ferverently for this sweet baby to be healed and whole. He has been through so much in his six months of life.

On the home front we have Peter, the oldest, wrapping up his first year in college. He is driving, has a job, lifting weights and staying busy in his fist year post high school. My guy Taylor finishing up his senior year in high school with prom, picnics, graduation and his last high school lacrosse season while simultaneously attending placement testing, orientation and uniform measurements in preparation for his first year at Mass Maritime Academy. The youngest (Michael) is wrapping up his first year in high school and getting ready for football next year. Freshman year was a huge transformative year for him. We are so impressed with all of our boys and so proud of all of them. 

On the adoption front, we are plugging through our homestudy and dossier paperwork. We have most of our references done. We wrote our autobiographies a few weeks ago. That was tough! 

Exciting news: An internet friend referred me to a film about someone that does missionary work at the hospital where Zhao YiMan has lived since she was five months old. There are a couple of documentaries about this couple and the work they do. I watched the films. I was floored. I will do a seperate post about that in a day or so. It really had a profound effect on me and I want to do it justice. Additionally, I would like to share the documentary video and for some reason I am having a hard time doing that on the mobile app.  

Now, I reached out to someone who knew someone, who in turn knew someone that works with our Zhao YiMan. I was not sure what to expect, if anything and much to my delight I awoke to a few new pics of our sweet baby enjoying a snack. She has a mass of shiny black hair on the top of her head and the back and sides are shaved. She looks like a little rocker chick. LOL. They are clear beautiful pictures that make me feel like I can just reach in and touch her. This breaks my heart because of course, I can't. 

I was told that she "is a great little guy" by someone that knows her and plays with her! PLAYS with her! Of course I had to giggle. There is no gender assignment in the orphanage system. They all have their heads shaved, they share clothes, they are often called by nicknames/pet names and Mandarin Chinese is gender neutral! He said "I always thought your daughter was a boy. Funny. I never thought to ask." This really made me giggle and warmed my heart. 

This Saturday we also received Delilah's finding ad from Brian Stuy at http://research-china.org 

I have blogged about finding ads in the past. I really wanted to find her ad on my own and I tried for weeks but I was going in circles. It's like a needle in a haystack! Her ad was in a small paper that never even came up in my baidu searches. I am so grateful for the service that Brian provides. This is a vital piece of YiMan's history and precious to us. We do not plan to share it publically. We feel that it's deeply personal and a tragic part of her life story. I do encourage all adoptive parents to search finding ads online. It is very eye opening and sobering. 

In closing, I just wanted to share one of the newest pics of our little punk rocker Delilah YiMan. Word on the street:  she's a great little guy! 

Boy oh boy...

http://youtu.be/5ijggNs2Ask

This breaks my heart into a million pieces. I love being a boy mom. I loved raising my son so much that I would happily raise ten more like him. Wooden train sets, scooters, hats backward and "pets" dug up in the backyard are all things that touch my heart and bring a smile of remembrance to my face. I wish I had the money and the space, I would bring ten home. This video is really well done. It truly captures the sweet stuff that comes with raising little boys. 

I know that this is not just a problem with children from China either. There are many studies that point to a decreased willingness, by adoptive families in general, to choose boys when given a choice. There are many theories behind this but whatever the reason it is truly a shame. So many people are really robbing themselves of the joy that comes with having a little boy at home. So many little boys are missing out on the opportunity to know the love of a family. 

If you are adopting or considering adoption please consider bringing home a little boy. From any country, via any program. 

A son for you. 

Think about it. Please.

Finding Ads...

When a child is found in China the authorities in many provinces place "finding ads" in local newspapers reportedly, in an effort to find the child's family. The ads include a photo of the child from the time they were found as well as details about the child, the finding spot, etc.

Many adoptive parents search out the finding ads for these precious early tidbits of our children's lives. The first photograph. The specific details of the day. The earliest recorded bits of our babies history that we can grab onto.

I did a little research last night and I found out how to search for finding ads. 

Whoa. 

This is staggering stuff. Truly a kick in the gut. It sucked the air right out of me. Pages and pages of children. All ages. Both genders. The number of children listed as "found" in any given province on a day to day basis will bring you to your knees. I will be completely honest, the babies didn't hit me that hard. I expected them. I had a dialogue in my head for the babies that I accepted. Not in the way that we accept things affirmatively. Like that's cool, that's a thing that happens. No. More like, after years of research and exposure I understood the dynamics of this sociological environment and how these choices were made when a child was born. 

It's the older children that had my heart in my throat and made me weep. The look in their eyes. Blank. Pained. Bewildered. Scared. Just shell shocked. These children that know their parents, know their families but are now, somehow, alone in the world. Pre-schoolers through adolescents. What must they be thinking? As painful as it was for me to see, I can't imagine their pain. I can't fathom it. 

I had to stop looking. I didn't find my girl. I got close to her finding date but I was so emotionally drained that I had to step back. I will take a break from it. I felt the need to pray. To seek answers. I wil go back to it another day. 

I am actually finding great comfort in the adoption community right now...the Facebook posters that are excited about the new list, hopeful that their child is there, just waiting to be found. The ap bloggers in China with their gorgeous children, forever in families now. BTDT parents that are the cornerstone of the adoption community, willing to share their trials and tribulations, offering advice and encouragement. Everyone who advocates! THANK YOU! God bless you. Don't stop. You are awesome. I am humbled by what you do. 

Mini Update and FAQ's...

So, we did get an update from China on the little girl that was referred to us. We were very pleased with the information that they gave us. We asked them for updated photos, a video if possible and we also had a list of questions about her special need, her development, etc. We had a very emotional "ah-ha" moment and we hope to have some super exciting official news to share with everyone in the very near future! 

 So in the meantime I thought we would address some of the frequently asked questions we have gotten when sharing this news with friends and family:

When?

ASAP! Traditionally, the process takes 1-2 years.

We didn't go the traditional route.

We filled out a brief Family introduction sheet, a Medical Conditions Checklist indicating what kind of health conditions and a special needs we were open to and they had a file for us in 8 days.

Not a typo.

That's EIGHT DAYS!!!!

Soooo....if all goes well ;) we will have six months to complete our homestudy and assemble our dossier. After the dossier is sent to China it will be a few months for things to get logged in, approved and situated to start scheduling travel. We can be super fast and organized and maybe, hopefully bring her home by Christmas.

Say your prayers!

Why Special Needs? Why wouldn't you go for a healthy baby?

This is a no brainer.

Why get on a list for a child that is deemed healthy and wait years and years for a referral to bring our baby home when so many children are languishing in orphanages with very manageable health issues and their greatest special need is a family.

A child that needs a family.

A family that wants a child.

See? No brainer.

Plus, all of our boys would be special needs if they were to be categorized for adoption.

All three, and we happen to think they are awesome just the way they are!

 CHINA? Why not adopt from the USA?

This is a big one. We get this a lot.

The very smarty pants answer that I use when I don't feel like dealing with intrusive questions is:

 My daughter is in China so I have to go there. Sorry (shrugs). That's where she is. No choice.

In all reality this was not a big decision between us.

When we met, we both had adoption from China in our hearts. We discussed it the first week that we knew each other. It was, like, our second date. We didn't really discuss other countries much.

We already knew where we would find our little love.

Now, I just checked with my friend that rhymes with oogle and I got this:

It is estimated there are between 143 million and 210 million orphans worldwide

(recent UNICEF report.)

In my opinion, it doesn't matter what country they were born in.

There are too many children that need a family.

If you can subtract just one from the numbers above....do it.

Now.

Any country. Just do it.

If you need information about how to start the process (here in the USA or elsewhere) just let me know, I have TONS of info!

 Isn't it really expensive?

Yes and no.

The fees are pretty well regulated and you know what you are getting into up front.

We have the adoption tax credit that is now a permanent deduction which will help offset some of the fees after we bring our sweetie home.

There are grants we can apply for and no/low interest adoption loans should we need to go that route.

It is, however, a sort of pay as you go process. Which makes it somewhat more manageable.

There is a little fee here another not so little fee there. lol

Then, of course there are the travel expenses.

We will do lots of fundraising to try to avoid getting into massive debt in the process.

We have lots of creative financing ideas!

 Will you tell her she is adopted?

Blank stare.

Don't you think it's unethical that they are charging you for her?

Huge misconception.

There are fees to be paid for:

• A social worker's time to evaluate us, educate us and complete a homestudy
• Our agency to keep us organized, translate our documents, submit our documents and act on our behalf to facilitate the adoption
• Documentation, immigration, fingerprinting and background checks, visas, passports,travel, airfare, food, hotel, etc.
• AND yes a very nominal child rearing fee is paid to the orphanage that has raised our daughter up until this point and trust me, you could not raise a child in the USA for a few years for this sum. It is one of the smaller fees in the whole process.  





There are more questions but these are the most common.

The links at the side of this blog will take you to some great websites that you can get a lot more info from if you are interested.

We are actively raising funds for this now as it seems it will go a lot quicker than we originally planned.

• We are selling really delicious coffee from just love coffee roasters (link at the top right of the blog).
• We have an amazon banner at the bottom of this page that gives us a small kickback if you use that banner as a portal to do your amazon.com shopping. No extra cost to you.
• We have a fundly account set up.
• We are selling every single thing we can bear to part with on ebay.
• We are having a massive garage sale in April.
• We will be selling gorgeous handmade aprons from Scarlet Threads and handmade jewelry from Compelled Designs and...whooo! That's a lot for now!

Check back often for updates!
(and leave comments/questions we love them!)



Big Things...The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

There have been many changes in our Adoption Story over the last few weeks. Our China Adoption was a solid plan. We had Excel spreadsheets, budgets, timelines...a plan set in stone, it was solid!

And then there was a girl...

a very little girl in a red dress with the biggest eyes and the sweetest face we had ever seen.

She was on a waiting child list. She was not spoken for and the agency was sending her file back!

He looked. I looked. We agreed she was very cute and then we moved on or so it would seem.

Within a few days he said: "I know it's not what we planned but if we moved this money here and the kids agreed to this then maybe we could do this..."

Hmmm.

Was he saying what I think he was saying.

I confirmed what I though he was saying.

My heart was in my throat.

I inquired about the girl.

My hands shook.

We are doing this.

 I got an email response very quickly. I was told that our names were placed on a waiting list of interested adoptive parents and that there was very little time. I also learned that when you are going through the Special Needs Adoption Program the most important step is your

Medical Conditions Checklist. It holds your place in line.

I did not know this.

This was important information.

We had already submitted our family info sheet, which is like a brief summary with demographic, social and financial snapshots of your family. We did not, however, submit the MCC.

We were dreading that.

The MCC is a long list of medical conditions that an adoptive parent must consider when they are referred a Special Needs/Waiting Child.

We had to go down the list and check off "yes" or "no" to each medical condition.

This indicates to the placing agency whether or not we are open to adopting a child

with that medical condition.

Some conditions are very minor and easily correctable but they range from minor/correctable to Cerebral Palsy, Spina Bifida, Blindness, Major Heart Disease...these are heavy hitters!

There is a lot to consider and let me tell you it feels UGLY.

 It feels like you are rejecting a child that has already been abandoned, that has such a great need for a loving family, medical care, the basics. It feels heinous.

It feels even worse when you and your partner look at this list from two different worlds.

As a nurse, I have relative comfort with all kinds of things! I look at the list pretty readily and say Yes, Yes, Yes to a lot of things.  My poor husband works in an electronics lab and has little or no exposure to many of these things. It all terrifies him. He knows that my son had well over a dozen surgeries in his eighteen years and it makes him sick to think about it.

We sat down with this list and he braced himself for a battle.

There was no battle though. We both felt horrible.

We had to consider our home, our family (immediate and extended), access to community services, our lifestyle in general and we had to apply all of these considerations to this list.

We went to church, we lit candles, we looked for signs and messages in answer to our prayers.

We submitted the list and we felt pretty good about it.

Guess what happened? We were challenged.

We were told that the little girl in the red dress may have one of the heavy hitters that we said "no" to.

Know what? We didn't care!?! All of a sudden, it did not matter. We were saying "YES!"

We felt like she could be our daughter and we were willing to s-t-r-e-t-c-h way beyond what we thought we were comfortable with. I gave Pete an out. I said we can take our name off of the list.

He said "No we can't. She could be my daughter. We don't walk away from our kids if something is wrong with them. We get them help. We love them and make them better."

I really, really love this man.

We consulted with neurologists, child development specialists and therapists.

We got educated quickly.

We harassed the agency and we let them know we were committed. We didn't even have the official file but we did have enough info to know the worst case scenarios and we were ready for that.

We took another leap of faith.

We filed our official application and paid the fee. We wanted to be ready.

We started treading into dangerous water. We started showing people pictures and talked about her non-stop. We just really felt like things would fall in to place.

(The way a young girl is painfully certain that if she could just meet Harry Stiles he would be sure to fall in love with her and take her away to be his forever, or at least take her to prom....

yes we were that bad.)

Well flash forward, the little girl in the red dress has a family working to bring her home now.

It is not us.

She is matched to another family and she is not our daughter.

Heartbreaking.

She is, however, a very important part of our adoption story.

Because of her we got the ball rolling. Really rolling, like a snowball going down hill!

She was a catalyst for us to step out in faith and do the things that up until now we had only talked about. She will always own a little piece of our hearts. She will always be in our prayers. I truly hope her parents are present in the blogosphere and by some chance we will be able to see that she is doing well with her family. We congratulate them and wish them many blessings.

We prayed for her to have a family. Our prayers were answered.

Now we are on the path to completing our dossier, turning our house upside down and beginning our homestudy. It's not just a plan anymore.

Thank you baby girl for opening our hearts and our minds.

We wish you a life filled with good health, love, joy and unspeakable beauty.

<3 p="">

Ummm. Because we are crazy...

...about these kids!

We just love our three boys (and our nephew Thomas too!)

We will be doing a FAQ post in the next couple of days 

because now that we are going full steam ahead 

with our plans to grow our family through adoption 

we are getting a lot of questions,

 tons of questions 

and our answers are starting to sound well rehearsed!

;)

We are noticing a trend though!

There is a pattern to your responses.

1. Look of shock
2. Half smile (you guys are kidding, right?)
3. Really???

WAIT FOR IT:

4. WHY???

Yep. The first question.

99% of the time.

A few people actually said:

"You guys are in the homestretch, why start over?"

<sigh>

 Here it goes.

First and foremost, we both had this adoption in our hearts before we even met. 

We inexplicably discovered this the first week of dating!

This has always been a dream for us, even before we met.

Call it fate, call it destiny better yet call it Gods plan for us.

In addition, we do not like "the homestretch" line...

We don't want to be in the homestretch 

and we also really believe that our grown children need their parents too 

and will continue to need (and receive) our love and support for quite some time.

We just love our kids. We are actually head over heels in love with parenting these kids. 

We really and truly like the young people that they are. 

They are good human beings.

 We are thoroughly enjoying our boys at this stage in their lives 

but we are also truly heartbroken that they are so darned big! 

We are not done yet! 

We want to do all of the fun stuff again.

This time knowing what we know now.

We still have the love, the time, the energy

 and probably more patience and understanding than we did when we were younger. 

There are too many orphaned children in this world that need the love of a family.

In fact there are an estimated 153,000,000 orphans worldwide.

We can decrease that number by at least one.  

One child that needs a family. 

One family that cannot wait to bring their child home.

Waiting Game

On my knees praying for guidance...I am so very impatient. I know in my head that we are not ready to begin the adoption process. We do not even meet the minimum length of marriage requirement yet!

However, my heart and soul so desperately long for the day we bring our little girl home.

I have read, researched, prayed, planned and prayed some more.

I am not a patient person by nature. I am, in fact, annoyingly impatient. I want everything...oh, yesterday.

So tonight I pray for patience and peace, I pray for guidance, I pray for wisdom and I pray for a little girl that may already be born and living on the other side of the world, I pray for her birthmom and I pray for her caregivers.

If anyone out there has any good ideas for passing the time while still feeling connected to the process, I would love to hear them. I would love to advocate for waiting children. Do you need special permission to do so? Are there any rules or restrictions associated with advocating? Can you post pictures from waiting child websites and link to the websites? I plan to start sharing links to other adoptive parents fundraisers. I would love to help waiting families raise the money to bring their precious children home.