BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

What more could anyone want?
I have a beautiful wife who is my best friend.
My three boys that I love and adore are intelligent handsome young men.
My family is loving and supportive, as are my friends.
I have a great job.
Is there anything that is missing?

YES.... my daughter!

Holly and I met when our kids were young boys. We never had a daughter.

When we found her through our agency we knew immediately that she would soon be our child.
We have completed the preliminary steps and yesterday we got big news! The childrens welfare agency that is responsible for adoptions in China agrees!





They have issued our PA, this is a document from China that tells us and our agency that based on the current information we have provided with them and the plan we have presented to care for this child we may proceed with the adoption process! Her file is locked.

SHE IS OURS!

Without further delay, let me introduce you to my princess

Delilah Zhao YiMan Emory

3 years old and waiting for us in the Henan Province.

Telling my dad about the adoption

How do I tell him?

What will he say?

Will he be supportive?

Will he discourage me?

He would only be looking out for his son.

I feel I need to tell the story before I can tell you just how my Dad reacted to my telling him about my daughter that lives in China waiting for me to bring her home. This was a dream of mine forever, even before Holly and I met and although everyone in my family was supportive I was afraid that my Dad may not be. It all starts with his life.

My dad was one of several children that didn't grow up together. From what we understand he had two younger sisters, one younger brother and one older brother. I never met any of them; all of them at various times were put into orphanages or foster homes. My Dad did meet his youngest brother, but let me start from the beginning.

My father was in foster care since he was a baby. He lived with a woman that was being paid to raise him by his mother, Helen. This woman really liked my dad, but after a few years his mother Helen didn't want to pay for the care that my Dad was given. Why didn't his mother take care of him or any of his other siblings? She liked her freedom, she liked to drink and party. As I have been told, she lived a wild life. At the time he was two and a half years old and his mother made the decision that she would stop paying for care and place my Dad into an orphanage. He doesn't remember this. He does remember that over the next 13 years he was beaten, bounced from orphanage to foster home and back. Eventually, my Dad wanted to know why his mother would give him up. He never knew her because he was so young when she placed him in the system. After years of abuse he decided to escape; he was 15 years old. He ran away from St Mary's Orphanage in Valesburg, NJ and was on the run. He made it in the newspapers and after a short period of time was caught by the police while he was pan handling. It was not the only time he ran away. Previously he had run away from a foster home in Bayonne, NJ. He was beaten with a hanger in this home and obviously neglected. He doesn't remember eating a normal meal there; he only remembers that they fed him devil dogs. The foster mother never left the house and they told him that he was a paycheck. When he ran away he was looking for an escape as well trying to find his mother and some answers. Once again he was picked up and returned to the orphanage.

Since he had been trying to escape several times they contacted his mother Helen. She came to the orphanage; she walked in the place in all black with a veil over her face. She never greeted him with love, she just told him to stop making trouble. She took him out of the orphanage and made him come live with her. Although he wanted to go to school and learn, she wanted him to go to work and earn a buck for her. He was only 16 years old. After one month he just couldn't take all the parties that she hosted with all of the drinking. He left and found an apartment and job on his own. I cant imagine this! My kids are young men (or boys) Peter Jr is 20, Taylor is 18 and Michael is 14. None of these kids could survive nor would I want them to try. How did he do it?

My dad learned that he had a younger brother named Glen that was 6 years old at the time. Glen lived in a foster home in Newark near my Dad. He finally was able to meet Glen and promised him he would save all of his money from working at Bamburgers in Newark, NJ. He wanted to get his little brother out of this dirty apartment complex. It was his only sibling that he would ever meet. My Dad would frequently go to the apartment to see his brother. One night my Dad woke in the middle of the night in a deep sweat and just couldn't sleep, he had no idea why. Later that morning, while he was at work, his supervisor called him into the office to tell him that his brother had died in a fire the previous night. To this day my Dad has never gotten over the loss of his baby brother.

My Dad continued on his journey alone, finally meeting my Mom. While they were dating my Dad found out that his biological father lived near my Mom's house. He also found out that his father was a bartender nearby. Both of my parents went to the bar together so that he could finally get to meet his Dad. When they approached this man (my grandfather) my Dad told him that his mom was Helen and that he was his son. The man responded "please can we keep this between us?" He went on to tell my dad that his wife doesn't know and that he would prefer to keep it that way. How devastating is it that my Dad had a mother that never cared and a father that would prefer to keep him a secret? Eventually, his wife would find out and while I was a baby at some point he did meet me but shortly after I was born he passed away and never left a thing for my dad.

The woman that took care of my dad until he was two and a half was occasionally involved in his life. When he was a young man she had promised my Dad that she would be alive to see my dad get married. She made it and she was so proud. She loved my dad like he was her child. The night of the wedding she had a great time laughed and danced. She went home that night, went to bed and died in her sleep. She kept her word.

Throughout the years my dad never complained about his life. He never allowed my sisters or myself to speak a bad word about his mother. He continued to care for her until she passed away in the mid 90's. He is an amazing man. He never had the privilege to have an education, to have a parent (not to mention two) that loved him or cared for him, never shared a dinner with his parents, sat on Santa's lap as a child, never met his other siblings, never threw a ball with his dad, learned to use a hammer, have friends in school never was able to live the life of a boy. He became a man overnight.

We take so much for granted. 

When I told my dad about our adoption his response was: "That's great!"

My dad never had the privilege of an education like most of us and yet he is brighter and quicker than many. He is super excited and thinks it's perfect that I am doing this. After I told him, he watched me play with my Godson Thomas and kept saying "this is great" again. He had so many questions! He may have had even more questions than I originally had. He has been so engaged with the process and has new questions for me all the time. It was such a special moment that really is hard for me to put into words. I can't wait for us to have our daughter home and for my father to see her and to connect with her. 

I have been  thinking about my dads life, where it has taken him and where he came from. He knows that my mother saved his life and kept it all together for him. Before her, he never had anything stable throughout his life.

I have been wondering what my daughter might be thinking and maybe there was a connection to what my dad had thought all those years. I asked my dad what he wished for when he was in the orphanage. Did he wish he could be with a family? have his own room and toys like most kids? go to school and make friends or play a sport? He said he never thought about it because he never knew what any of that was. It all just passed him by. He missed so many of the wonderful things that all children should experience with their parents.

In looking at this situation I am even more eager to get her home. How devastating that a child doesn't know what it is to be loved by a parent? It is so upsetting that a child can be used for financial gain or worse. When my Dad was in the orphanage all of those years he wondered why he was there but had no idea about anything outside the orphanage. He had lived 16 years of his life not having a family and when he was out he didn't have one until he met my Mom. She saved him. She was the first person that would be family for him. Now I have a daughter that's waiting for her family and there are so many more children that do not have a family. It breaks my heart. This process cant happen soon enough. 

Boy oh boy...

http://youtu.be/5ijggNs2Ask

This breaks my heart into a million pieces. I love being a boy mom. I loved raising my son so much that I would happily raise ten more like him. Wooden train sets, scooters, hats backward and "pets" dug up in the backyard are all things that touch my heart and bring a smile of remembrance to my face. I wish I had the money and the space, I would bring ten home. This video is really well done. It truly captures the sweet stuff that comes with raising little boys. 

I know that this is not just a problem with children from China either. There are many studies that point to a decreased willingness, by adoptive families in general, to choose boys when given a choice. There are many theories behind this but whatever the reason it is truly a shame. So many people are really robbing themselves of the joy that comes with having a little boy at home. So many little boys are missing out on the opportunity to know the love of a family. 

If you are adopting or considering adoption please consider bringing home a little boy. From any country, via any program. 

A son for you. 

Think about it. Please.

Finding Ads...

When a child is found in China the authorities in many provinces place "finding ads" in local newspapers reportedly, in an effort to find the child's family. The ads include a photo of the child from the time they were found as well as details about the child, the finding spot, etc.

Many adoptive parents search out the finding ads for these precious early tidbits of our children's lives. The first photograph. The specific details of the day. The earliest recorded bits of our babies history that we can grab onto.

I did a little research last night and I found out how to search for finding ads. 

Whoa. 

This is staggering stuff. Truly a kick in the gut. It sucked the air right out of me. Pages and pages of children. All ages. Both genders. The number of children listed as "found" in any given province on a day to day basis will bring you to your knees. I will be completely honest, the babies didn't hit me that hard. I expected them. I had a dialogue in my head for the babies that I accepted. Not in the way that we accept things affirmatively. Like that's cool, that's a thing that happens. No. More like, after years of research and exposure I understood the dynamics of this sociological environment and how these choices were made when a child was born. 

It's the older children that had my heart in my throat and made me weep. The look in their eyes. Blank. Pained. Bewildered. Scared. Just shell shocked. These children that know their parents, know their families but are now, somehow, alone in the world. Pre-schoolers through adolescents. What must they be thinking? As painful as it was for me to see, I can't imagine their pain. I can't fathom it. 

I had to stop looking. I didn't find my girl. I got close to her finding date but I was so emotionally drained that I had to step back. I will take a break from it. I felt the need to pray. To seek answers. I wil go back to it another day. 

I am actually finding great comfort in the adoption community right now...the Facebook posters that are excited about the new list, hopeful that their child is there, just waiting to be found. The ap bloggers in China with their gorgeous children, forever in families now. BTDT parents that are the cornerstone of the adoption community, willing to share their trials and tribulations, offering advice and encouragement. Everyone who advocates! THANK YOU! God bless you. Don't stop. You are awesome. I am humbled by what you do. 

Roller Coaster...

I know my last blog post was silly and superficial.

Excitement over dresses, the fun stuff...

I think I am officially on the Emotional Roller Coaster of Adoption now though.

I worked the night shift last night

and the solitude afforded me the space to drift into deeper territory.

We. Have. A. Daughter.

I. Have. A. Daughter.

I do not yet know the sound of her voice calling to me.

I have not yet had the pleasure of her little hands around my neck.

I have not yet had the privilege to comfort her,

to pick her up and feel her melt against me while I rub her back

and reassure her that

"I am here. I am not leaving. Ever."

I do not yet know the weight of her in my arms,

the smell of her sweet baby neck at bedtime,

the silky feel of her hair in my hands,

the joy of her giggle dissolving into laughter

or the salt of her tears as I kiss them away.

I know her face.

I know her name.

I know that she was placed very publically

on the platform of a train station when she was about four months old.

She was sick and she was small and she was cared for.

I know that I am eternally grateful, that she was so lovingly placed

in a place so public that she was guaranteed to be found.

I also know that she does not even know that I exist.

My baby girl is not missing me or waiting for me

or daydreaming about when her Mama and Baba will arrive.

She does not even know what that really means.

We, as parents, are not tangible concepts to her.

In fact, she does not know "family" in the traditional sense.

My heart is breaking right now as I think about

the emotional impact it will have on her

to leave the only place she knows

to come with us.

To come home to the place we are preparing for her

where she will be loved, nurtured, cherished

and she will be beloved.

I only hope we can make her feel that way.

I pray she will truly know what it feels like to be loved.

I pray that we make her feel safe.



Waiting...

Soooo...we are waiting for PA. 

(That's Pre-Approval)

We sent our LOI (Letter of Intent) on 2/13/14. This is a letter sent to China via our agency that states that we accept our referral and intend to take the steps necessary to adopt her. 

We had to state what we knew of her medical needs, what our treatment plan would be once we brought her home, how we plan to care for her and how our children and extended family feel about the adoption. 

Writing it all down makes it very real. I have butterflies in my tummy as I write about it! I am just so excited. We both are. 

I really want PA so I can share her sweet little face with everyone. We just love her so much already. 

This is the little pile of goods we had amassed over the past week or two. Not anything big. We have to direct the majority of our funds to the adoption account right now. I came across a book sale or two and I couldn't walk away from that! We happened to see a few packs of clippies on clearance that we had to grab and then there is the shirt. A Scarlet Threads purchase. I love that quote from Shakespeare. Knowing where my girl comes from and what she has been through I know this quote applies. I know she is a fighter with true strength of spirit. She IS fierce. 

Over the last few days I have struggled with legit Retail Therapy urges that were difficult to resist! My cousin Melissa has been sharing her vast knowledge of must-haves in toddler fashion and I felt like my finger was much too far away from the pulse! I had to catch up!!! I was scouring all of these internet boutique sites and looking at all these toddler couture outfits. (I know it sounds silly but that's a thing! Toddler couture is for realz!!!)

Anywhoooo...frugality or reality or something kicked in before I finalized my purchase and I decided to jump over to eBay. I spotted a dress that I adored and when I looked at the seller's other items I realized that I liked all of her dresses! 

I messaged the seller and offered her a flat price with combined shipping and she accepted!!! I told her we were adopting and she messaged me back with my tracking # and told me that she added eleven more dresses to the box and a fleece, shirt and jacket from LL Bean!

What a lovely gesture! I am so touched. I am also so excited to get my box next week and see all of the pretty little dresses! 

As a wise woman recently told me: 

"Time to accessorize!!!"

This kind of fun definitely helps the wait for PA pass more quickly! 

Mini Update and FAQ's...

So, we did get an update from China on the little girl that was referred to us. We were very pleased with the information that they gave us. We asked them for updated photos, a video if possible and we also had a list of questions about her special need, her development, etc. We had a very emotional "ah-ha" moment and we hope to have some super exciting official news to share with everyone in the very near future! 

 So in the meantime I thought we would address some of the frequently asked questions we have gotten when sharing this news with friends and family:

When?

ASAP! Traditionally, the process takes 1-2 years.

We didn't go the traditional route.

We filled out a brief Family introduction sheet, a Medical Conditions Checklist indicating what kind of health conditions and a special needs we were open to and they had a file for us in 8 days.

Not a typo.

That's EIGHT DAYS!!!!

Soooo....if all goes well ;) we will have six months to complete our homestudy and assemble our dossier. After the dossier is sent to China it will be a few months for things to get logged in, approved and situated to start scheduling travel. We can be super fast and organized and maybe, hopefully bring her home by Christmas.

Say your prayers!

Why Special Needs? Why wouldn't you go for a healthy baby?

This is a no brainer.

Why get on a list for a child that is deemed healthy and wait years and years for a referral to bring our baby home when so many children are languishing in orphanages with very manageable health issues and their greatest special need is a family.

A child that needs a family.

A family that wants a child.

See? No brainer.

Plus, all of our boys would be special needs if they were to be categorized for adoption.

All three, and we happen to think they are awesome just the way they are!

 CHINA? Why not adopt from the USA?

This is a big one. We get this a lot.

The very smarty pants answer that I use when I don't feel like dealing with intrusive questions is:

 My daughter is in China so I have to go there. Sorry (shrugs). That's where she is. No choice.

In all reality this was not a big decision between us.

When we met, we both had adoption from China in our hearts. We discussed it the first week that we knew each other. It was, like, our second date. We didn't really discuss other countries much.

We already knew where we would find our little love.

Now, I just checked with my friend that rhymes with oogle and I got this:

It is estimated there are between 143 million and 210 million orphans worldwide

(recent UNICEF report.)

In my opinion, it doesn't matter what country they were born in.

There are too many children that need a family.

If you can subtract just one from the numbers above....do it.

Now.

Any country. Just do it.

If you need information about how to start the process (here in the USA or elsewhere) just let me know, I have TONS of info!

 Isn't it really expensive?

Yes and no.

The fees are pretty well regulated and you know what you are getting into up front.

We have the adoption tax credit that is now a permanent deduction which will help offset some of the fees after we bring our sweetie home.

There are grants we can apply for and no/low interest adoption loans should we need to go that route.

It is, however, a sort of pay as you go process. Which makes it somewhat more manageable.

There is a little fee here another not so little fee there. lol

Then, of course there are the travel expenses.

We will do lots of fundraising to try to avoid getting into massive debt in the process.

We have lots of creative financing ideas!

 Will you tell her she is adopted?

Blank stare.

Don't you think it's unethical that they are charging you for her?

Huge misconception.

There are fees to be paid for:

• A social worker's time to evaluate us, educate us and complete a homestudy
• Our agency to keep us organized, translate our documents, submit our documents and act on our behalf to facilitate the adoption
• Documentation, immigration, fingerprinting and background checks, visas, passports,travel, airfare, food, hotel, etc.
• AND yes a very nominal child rearing fee is paid to the orphanage that has raised our daughter up until this point and trust me, you could not raise a child in the USA for a few years for this sum. It is one of the smaller fees in the whole process.  





There are more questions but these are the most common.

The links at the side of this blog will take you to some great websites that you can get a lot more info from if you are interested.

We are actively raising funds for this now as it seems it will go a lot quicker than we originally planned.

• We are selling really delicious coffee from just love coffee roasters (link at the top right of the blog).
• We have an amazon banner at the bottom of this page that gives us a small kickback if you use that banner as a portal to do your amazon.com shopping. No extra cost to you.
• We have a fundly account set up.
• We are selling every single thing we can bear to part with on ebay.
• We are having a massive garage sale in April.
• We will be selling gorgeous handmade aprons from Scarlet Threads and handmade jewelry from Compelled Designs and...whooo! That's a lot for now!

Check back often for updates!
(and leave comments/questions we love them!)